Why Attractive People Find It Hard To Find Long-Term Relationships

Why Attractive People Find It Hard To Find Long-Term Relationships
strong jawline/high cheekbones

So, its 3 am, & ive been watching some psychology videos (as you do) & i came across this really interesting topic. A couple of years ago, a study was released in the UK that basically said that a woman could tell if a man would be a player or a potential husband just by looking at his face? sounds strange right? but heres the logic behind it.

Basically, the male hormone Testosterone has a major role to play in this. One of the things that testosterone affects is appearance. A male with high testosterone, is more likely to have a stronger jawline, a thicker/stronger brow ridge, higher cheekbones etc. Males also have the female hormone oestrogen, but not as much – males with high oestrogen will have softer features, such as a rounder face, softer forehead region etc. This study found that females can detect this at a sub-conscious level and from this, we make a decision if he is a suitable partner. Females reason that a male with more testosterone is more likely to be a player.

From an evolutionary perspective – and this is what really amazed me because these are the types I go for but never realised – a male with higher testosterone with more attractive features we see as a potential “player” because
                 (1) Being more attractive means he will have more female attention.
                 (2) The more female attention he has, the chances of him cheating rise
he could be the most faithful guy in the world but to potential partners it can still be a threat because of the competition. Some girls may be discouraged if they think they will have to fight over a guy.

We try to avoid this for the obvious reason of the threat of infidelity (your partner cheating) but ALSO, this is a theory i have come across in psychology before – its called Mate Guarding. This is basically something you will have seen before, its just the official name for it. An example of mate guarding in a nutshell, at a party for example, there is always that couple, & the boy is just right THERE – dancing with his girl. watching her from a far if he goes to get a drink, he’s trying NOT to leave her side. Other forms of this are constantly phoning them, and PDA’s (public displays of affection) .. Females do this as well, but in different forms.

So, if we see that a male is more attractive, we want to avoid having to Mate Guard because it can be very exhausting. If females are looking for a long-term commitment they will go for the softer looking male.

As for males, it works exactly the same way –
If a female is attractive, she’s more likely to get more attention, sub-consciously, this is interpreted as “more likely to cheat” and etc etc etc.

so, there you go. your answer in short, why attractive people find it harder to get into a relationship.

Good Hair vs. Bad Hair

Good Hair vs. Bad Hair

I have been neglecting this blog lately – I apologise. So I’ve been getting a bit riled up today about what “Good” hair is. I put the word good in quotations marks because I don’t believe there is such a thing as good hair. I was recently watching an episode of the Tyra Banks show from 2009 “What is good hair?” you can see it here if you wanna watch that in your own time. Basically, she had these women on the show. One of them had been relaxing and getting weaves for the last 12 years, admitted to spending almost £20,000 on her hair & sometimes not paying a bill or 2 to get her hair done. To some this may sound shocking but to some people it’s just another part of life.

Majority of black girls that I know have their hair relaxed and usually have weave or braids, or some type of hair on their head that isn’t theirs. It’s unfair because at one end of the stick, they get bullied and ridiculed for wearing weave or if it doesn’t look good they get cussed. If they have their own hair out, whether it be relaxed or natural, they usually get criticism for that. The problem is that hair, whether it’s yours or not, is quite expensive to maintain. Some girls to go to extreme lengths to make sure their hair looks good. Whether it be sleeping with a guy so she can get her hair done or not paying bills to get it done.

I think it’s not our fault that we are so obsessed with our hair. I know a lot of people who were teased during childhood & some of the women in that episode of the Tyra Banks show that I linked to said that she had such a bad experience during her childhood because of her hair she didn’t want to have a child with a black man so that the child wouldn’t have kinky hair. She went & got married to a Latino. It may seem funny but hair is such an important thing especially for women who get criticised enough as it is. On the topic of mixed race hair as well – being mixed race my self we have problems too. Apart from the whole identity crisis thing, our hair is a heavy burden just because it is such a difficult thing to maintain if you don’t know what you’re doing. Women often impose their views of good hair on their daughters and I would imagine it must be extremely difficult for a white woman or even asian women to deal with their mixed race child hair, just because of their lack of experience with it. On the Tyra Banks show there was a white woman & she was putting weave and getting relaxers for her daughter who was 6 or 7.

The worst part was there was a mother and she was relaxing her 3 year old daughters hair. & I’m not calling these women bad mothers, because I understand. Black hair is hard to up-keep and is very time consuming. Often times they don’t have time to waking up extra early just so they can do their daughters hair in the morning for school. & we all know how little kids are, start crying as soon as you try to comb their hair.

Apart from looking good, many females claim that if they have natural hair in the workplace, it won’t look as professional. See, we’ve been conditioned to believe that caucasian hair is “good” hair, & if our hair isn’t silky, straight and “flowy” it isn’t nice. I beg to differ. Natural hair doesn’t mean that you should have an afro or “nappy” hair. The upcoming rise of the natural hair movement has brought a lot of awareness to those willing to learn.

I was never really into weaves, I relaxed my hair a few times – maybe 3 or 4 times a year. But my hair did have a lot of heat damage and breakage from colouring it a lot. The last time I got my hair relaxed was about 2 years ago, not that I was aware of the natural hair movement, but because I had over processed it when & it was pretty flat & lifeless. Last November I decided to cut off the relaxed ends that were just dangling at the end of my beautiful natural hair after stumbling upon the natural hair blog and vlog community. Going natural was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

& I know it’s easy for me to say – yeah just go natural, my hair is different to a full black girl and transitioning (Going from relaxed to natural) or even doing a Big Chop can be scary. I understand. I’m new to this whole thing so I can’t really say much. I’ll give you loads of cool links below but I’ll just clear up a few things.

If you do plan on going natural, just know that it’s a process & it’s going to take time. Embrace every stage of it. Everyone’s hair is different, but trust me, once you start looking after it properly it will grow fast.

If you have Tumblr, I suggest you follow Hey Fran Hey – she is uBer helpful & always putting stuff on there.
some of the most popular natural hair blogs that I’ve come across are CurlyNikki.com and BlackGirlLongHair.com

Youtube has great channels – for those of us in the UK I strongly recommend FusionofCultures, shes based in London so the products she uses, you’ll be able to get a hold of easier.
The natural hair movement is as widely recognised in the UK as it is in America, so you’ll probably find that a lot of products are only available in the US.
For the science of hair & understanding have a look at Luv Naturals on youtube to get the basics.

I hope I inspired you to go natural. Here’s some pictures from November until now. Ive had my hair in a protective style for the last 4 months (box braids) & I recently took it down with the nice weather.

The black cycle

The black cycle
holding hands

What is the psychology behind racism & prejudice? What is it that can cause such hateful feelings towards a person or group? Let me explain in lay mans terms. I’m only explaining the racism again MINORITIES here.

Humans are governed by groups. Groups control almost everything we do & though we like to think we are individual & we are alright by ourselves, we have all been influenced by a group at one point. There are too many people in the world for us to form an opinion on all of them individually, we form stereotypes of certain groups. Stereotypes & prejudice are not to be confused as being the same, though they are similar. Stereotypes aren’t always negative & usually hold a kernel of truth as they are based to some extent on observations. But let me not get side-tracked. The problem with racism is that, though it can go both ways, it seems to affect black people and other ethnic minorities more because of the simple fact that they are just that. A minority. Based on the psychology – as humans, we want to know how to act around certain people etc. The process of grouping and stereotyping I mentioned before is made a lot simpler here because if a group is small already, i.e., a minority, rather than splitting them into smaller groups and sub-categories, they are all looked at the same way.

Another reason is the concept of the “in-group vs. the out-group”. Like I said before, humans are to some extent governed by groups. When we find a group we identify with, we feel loyal to them & this is known as our in-group. Anything outside that; rather than being split into different groups, i.e., “we’re against this, that & the other group”, all other groups are clumped into one massive group, the out-group. To you & your group, the police is just as bad as that group of bullies at school or whatever. Anything done to the in-group is usually over-exaggerated and made a big deal out of.

We can’t expect racism to just end. We haven’t had enough time to get to that stage, however, it’s not getting any better either. A survey done in Britain in 2003 showed that 31% of people openly admitted to being racially prejudiced. The number seems low, however, this is the same as it was in 1987.

The main problem, in my opinion, is a lack of understanding. When I moved to where I am currently living – I noticed the lack of ethnic minorities & although Britain is becoming a very multicultural place, some places have not been exposed enough. From the perspective of a white person, they may not understand what it feels like to be discriminated against because of something that is out of their control, i.e., skin colour. That is not to say that only ethnic minorities get discriminated against, fat people may get bullied, difficulty finding clothes etc. However they can change things about themselves. You can’t do anything about the colour of your skin or your heritage.

Now, before you continue reading, I encourage you to watch this social experiment. There are 3 parts to it, here is the first, the rest you’ll find in related videos. “How Racist Are You?” | part 1 | Jane Elliott’s Brown Eye-Blue Eye Experiment

Hopefully the video showed you the issues.

the black cycle 

so what is the black cycle? There are certain negative stereotypes associated with being black. To name a few these include, violence, ignorance, stupid & loud. These stereotypes are instilled from a young age via the media & maybe prejudices from parents, other children at school etc.

Let me give you a scenario. The stereotype here is that black people are violent, confrontational and argumentative. Let’s say someone passes a black person in the street, its 2 in the afternoon & as they walk past, they hold onto their bag tighter. The black person may notice & get angry at this form of discrimination – they may confront them & start arguing. Things may escalate & police may get involved. The whole situation could have been avoided. The black person didn’t have to make such a scene, but then, the person shouldn’t have reacted in such a way. They have no reason to be afraid. Now arising from this situation, the black person may have gotten arrested, and all the stereotypes are reinforced in the eyes of any speculators.

A common problem these days is employment. Ethnic minorities are very under-represented in employment. However, it most cases, most people do want to work, jobs are just hard to come by. There is more pressure on a minority group as their family may not be as wealthy as others. Some people do not NEED a job as badly as others. If employers are prejudiced about hiring black people & they don’t give them opportunities, this may lead to other behaviours. A mother may need to support her family, however cannot get any work, so may turn to easier ways out. Fraudulent and other criminal activities. Young people may turn to selling drugs. In turn, the stereotype is fed. Arising from the criminal activities, they may get arrested & now they have a criminal record, it’s even harder for them to get a job & the cycle continues.

This is where lack of understanding comes in again. It’s easy to say, “oh, just get a job, the rest of us have to do it”, but it’s not as easy as that. Let me give you a personal example. A friend of mine has been looking for work for over 6 months. She has been vigilant in her job hunting and although she can find vacancies, she never gets call backs or interviews. She even came to the area before moving here to hand out CVs. She’s black by the way. 2-3 weeks ago, one of her friends started looking for work. He’s white. In his 2 weeks of job hunting, he got an interview. Similarly, another of her friends, also white, has received 4/5 job offers in the last 6 months, 2 of which she didn’t call back after she had completed trial runs. You can’t say that is pure chance.

My friend has no current source of income, not even her family. While others are complaining that they don’t have money to buy alcohol or to go out partying until their parents give them money the following week, others don’t have ANYTHING coming from their parents & hardly have money to have a well-balanced diet.

Some people don’t even want to work, they just want the money for leisurely activities, while others, such as me & my friend actually want to work.

No-one can tell me that racism isn’t a problem. & this whole idea of playing the system is bullsh*t as well.

Anytime I have talked to someone of the older generation about it, they say, “that’s the way life is, you just have to play the game”.. It seems that only a certain type of black person is acceptable. Well-spoken, well-dressed etc. Why should they have to conform to such customs? If a white man was a “skinhead”, these are just a “small proportion” of white people, but when a black person does something wrong, their behaviour is seen as a reflection of the whole race.

This post has gotten way too long & I’ve barely skimmed the surface, but I strongly encourage you to watch the video I linked above.

because I’m not peach…

because I’m not peach…
Trayvon Martin tribute

I hope everyone reading this has had a lovely day so far, because I plan to fuck it up.
I envy everyone who lives in large cities, London, Manchester, Birmingham, Liverpool, Leeds. I hope this post opens your eyes to what is going on around you & I change you’re perception of the way you see things. For those who are not aware, we live in a world run by the white man & we have been, and still are being conditioned to hate anything that is not white.

It starts from a young age. Apparently, in some schools in London, children are no longer allowed to describe white children as “white”, but must call them “peach” & if they don’t they get in trouble. There is no equivalent rule for black people. So, from young kids these days have the idea of white people being like a peach. What are the connotations of a peach? Nice, sweet, fruit – healthy etc. What connotations are associated with black? Death, decay, evil, sad, depression. It may seem like nothing, but as I described in my post “are we an ignorant generation?”, these seeds are planted in our head & they sprout in the subconscious. Their self-esteem and sense of self-worth drops. But all this psychological talk is for another day. Watch this space – “The black cycle”..

Let me tell you the events that unravelled in the last 24 hours.

Incident #1 ~ I had a little drink up in my room – few drinks, 5 people, my room is slyly sound proof – the flats on the opposite side were having a LOUD kitchen party, music blaring. At my university, we have a Campus Watch, sort of like security. So, 11 o’clock, we were drinking, listening to music, none of my flatmates had a problem with it – some of them even joined in. So, at the same time, in the accommodation where I live, we have a bar – on this particular day, they were having their weekly night, so there was noise from there also. Around 12.30, a group of friends came, 5-6 Black boys. The music turned down cos I was sorting out drinks for them, talking etc etc, 20 minutes after they arrived – Campus Watch knocked on my room door. Not the front door of my flat .. MY ROOM. They said people were complaining about the noise. Bullshit, I have been blasting music since 9 o’clock, & you couldn’t even hear it from outside my flat door. The weekly night at the bar wasn’t even finished & people wanted to complain about my little get together? Campus Watch were watching my flat until 5am.

Furthermore, after everyone was told to leave, in the car park they saw a car that had dents all around it. They started laughing etc, & one of the Campus Watch security guards tried to accuse them of doing it. He then chased them all the way to the next college & kept harrassing them, saying they were suspicious & he needed a name then he would let them go. I came out shortly after & started arguing with him & asked why he needed a name – why couldn’t he just check the CCTV.. I ended up giving him my name.

That aside, the event that really put the icing on the cake was, the following afternoon, I had a dentist appointment. On arrival I went to go & sit in the waiting room, filling out forms, my friend (who is black) accompanied me & there were  a lot of people in the waiting room. I ended up sitting next to a primary school child, no older than around 7. As soon as I sat down he started squirming and fidgeting uncomfortably in his chair. I didn’t pay it much attention but eventually he had slid off his chair & was sitting on the floor in front of his mother, who was sat opposite us & 3 other children that were there had all huddled closely together. I didn’t think much of it, I was too busy with the forms etc. But when I left I realised what had happened. My friend had noticed too. Now, I’m not fully black, I’m mixed race but I currently have braids in my hair. It upset me that such a young child had already been conditioned to be prejudiced in such a way. What did he think I was going to do?

I currently live not too far from London, but the area is very quiet & there are very few ethnic minorities. From day 1 I noticed that walking around the city centre, I would get a lot of stares & people often held their possessions tighter when I walked past. I haven’t experienced such behaviour in such a long time, I used to live in Southern Germany & my family ended up moving practically to the other side of the globe from the abuse we used to receive.

Racism is not dead. Understandably. It has only been 2-3 generations since the Civil Rights Movement etc., and there are still some elderly people who are not used to the sudden burst of multiculturalism. Of course, racism is not exclusively directed at black people, though they do seem to be targeted a lot.

Anti-racism does not mean anti-white, there are a lot of white people who are against racism, it’s just a few bad apples that spoil the rest. Look at Trayvon Martin. if you are unaware of the situation, this video may enlighten you. Trayvon Martin Shot, Killed By Neighborhood Watch

Don’t hate on behalf of others

Don’t hate on behalf of others

Imagine this scenario… You have just moved into your new flat & naturally, you get to know your housemates. Let’s assume you get close to one of them but soon enough there’s someone that they don’t like. We’ve all experienced this in school, one of your friends doesn’t like someone, so, on their behalf you “dislike them too”, you ignore them & everything they seem to do begins to annoy you. This is not a good idea… Rather than conforming to your group & “disliking” this person who has done nothing towards you, you should get to know them & see whether you like them or not. You don’t have to but, they haven’t done anything to you.. Yes, you may have some instinctive behavioural inclination to protect those that are close to you. You’ve heard they did your friend wrong & you dislike them for this reason. But you have no reason to do this. If your friend is encouraging you to dislike them then maybe you should consider whether they are a good friend or not. Anyway, back to the scenario. We are assuming that you have just met this person & you are disliking someone on their behalf already – do not make this mistake. First of all, you have no idea what your “new flatmate” is like. More often times than not, they will have had a disagreement with this person & they may eventually compromise or agree to disagree and become good friends. Now you are left looking like an idiot..

WHY WE FEEL INCLINED TO DISLIKE OTHERS ON SOMEONES BEHALF

There are many reasons why we may hate someone, here’s a few I can think of.

1. Self Protection

in some cases, if we hear that someone has done something towards someone that we know – for example, I knew a girl once & one of her “friends” (Lets call her Beth) slept with her boyfriend – Beth then said “Yeah I slept with her man, I wanted to prove that I could get any man I wanted” … She had no shame, she wasn’t even sorry. Quite a few people, including myself were completely shocked & she lost a lot of friends. If you hear something like this, its not the actual act towards to victim that make you dislike a person, but the fear that that person may do the same to you. In this situation, they were very close friends & when she did what she did, that showed everyone that it didn’t matter if they were friends or not – she could do the exact same to you..
more over, in this situation, they made up again. The girl even took Beth on holiday with her. Now everyone hating on Beth looked like an idiot.

2. Protective Instincts

If you are close to someone & you hear someone has done something to do them its instinct to “protect your own”. When we are part of a group we feel a certain degree of loyalty to that group. Anyone outside that group is known as the out-group. Rather than other individual groups being a threat in their own, ANYTHING outside this group is just one big group. For example, we would perceive the police and a “rival gang” as exactly the same. At the end of the day they are not a part of your group. If someone threatens your group, especially if you have a strong loyalty, you’re more likely to want to protect them.

Partying Doesn’t Make You A Hoe

Partying Doesn’t Make You A Hoe

Going clubbing and going to house Parties does not make you a hoe, anymore than going to church makes you a Christian.

Some people need to go to a party once in a while.. Girls like to get dressed up – & its not for attention or anything like that, its so that we can feel good about ourselves. Its a self-esteem thing. If we get approached it makes us feel like we look good & if you judge that then you are just a hater of your own existence. Drink a little bit, dance with your legs wide open & show everyone your pum because you “forgot” to wear knickers. it DOESNT make you a hoe.

when it DOES make you a hoe is when you go with the intention of going home with a guy.

without fail, eyeballing man in the clubs so they can buy you drinks, cos i know you only brought out £20, to get into the club & then money for the taxi home. The type of girl that will go to a club with a group of her girlfriends & then 5 minutes of entering shes already whining on someone she doesnt know. THAT is what makes you a hoe. so stop judging these girls when they go out. You’re probably jealous cos they seem to be a having a better time than you.

Technological Age

Technological Age

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I fear I am one of the biggest
fools of this generation,
to yield a pen

Though I must admit
I have not dis-abled spellcheck
in my browser.

My life still partly governed by
those red and green lines
a Grammatical errors is not
picked up the same way on paper

Funny how the tiniest flash of red
underneath your shoes
signifies wealth and beauty

And a jagged red line
underneath a misspelt word
means…?