Who are you to judge?

Who are you to judge?

look at this picture..  what if I told you he was black? What are the first assumptions that come to mind. What if I told you he was white? What would you think then? Why does this even matter? The other day I was in the car with my mum and she saw a black man riding a bike, his hair was unkept & he was wearing a beenie. Out of nowhere she said “druggie”… I was infuriated by her remark. Who is she to judge his life and to say that he is on drugs. Because he’s riding a bike? Because his hair is unkept. She has no idea what is going on in this mans life, & within 5 seconds of seeing him from a distance she judges him. He may have been having a rough day – in todays economic climate everyone is struggling & he may be right at the bottom of this vicious cycle. But then again, now I’m judging…

Why do we as humans are so quick to judge others but then be in denial of our own situation?

There was a psychological study conducted on the factors of addictive behaviour, namely on attributions

(internal or external – what they blame their behaviour on). A group of smokers were asked to describe WHY they still smoked & they blamed it on other things such as the environment or peer pressure. Then they were provided with 4 fictitious scenarios of other people who smoked. The same participants were then asked why these other people still smoked. They blamed the people & said they had “low self-control” ..

The amazing thing that this study revealed was how people judge others. When asked to evaluate their own situation they were quick to blame it on something outside of their control (external attribution style) but when asked to judge other people in the same position as them they blamed the person & said they had no self-control (which would be an internal attribution if they were to blame themselves). It’s a defence mechanism, “saving face” – something I’ve talked about before.

Don’t be so quick to judge others – everyone may not have gone through what youve been through, but everyones still had shit happen to them in their life.. Even those little posh white kids that were raised in countrysides with multi-billionaire mummies & daddies & their own horse named Bob.

rant over.

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Break Ups: The Healing Process

Break Ups: The Healing Process

I’m not too sure what boys go through when it comes to breaking up; but from experience, this is what I have seen a lot of females go through, not always in the same order but usually the same stages…

STAGE 1: deep depression

this is usually always the first stage. It can kick in anywhere between just seconds after the break-up to a couple of days after. Symptoms include: Crying herself to sleep; eating too much or not at all; listening to slow jams 24/7; no motivation. Her girlfriends usually fuel the fire & there is usually a bitching fest where 2 or more females gather & pick apart her ex for ever flaw he has.

STAGE 2: excessive partying/drinking

In an attempt to get over the heart ache, a girl may start partying/raving/drinking more than usual. Any opportunity to go out will suffice. Nothing can be done about this other than letting her do what shes doing. Its just a phase after all – it usually lasts about a week worth of partying, because she’ll soon get tired of having hangovers.

STAGE 3: extremely horny

The roast is real my friends! What is “roast?” – it is being horny beyond reason-ability. A while after the break-up & not having regular sex anymore, the horniness sets in. It attacks you at the most silly times. Even if you weren’t having sex with your partner – or ive seen situations where the girl wasn’t in a relationship with the guy, the most they had done was kiss – she was still extremely horny. In some situations the girl may give in to this feeling & go get get laid. I’ve also heard of situations where a relationship was never in the future but after not speaking to the guy she liked for a little bit & with him being a “jerk”, she was still extremely horny & just wanted to have sex with the guy & stop speaking to him as a form of revenge. I think she got friendzoned. 

STAGE 4: bitching

this is where the healing process begins. After coming to her senses & returning to a normal routine she will start exposing everything about her ex that she hates. Her friends did this for her during her deep depression phase but it was just generic comments like “He was a wasteman anyway!”, “he doesn’t deserve you” etc etc etc., now the REAL bitch fest begins. This will include excessive txting/pinging & calling all the girls & laying her ex’s shit bare for everyone to see. This is the most dangerous stage because if there are any XXX pictures she may expose him. She may also exaggerate certain things when speaking to her friends and chinese whispers can cause a lot of trouble. However, bitching is a vital step of the healing process, though not always executed. Bitching = making the other seem unappealing to the self. The female will convince herself that she never liked the ex in the first place.

STAGE 5: nostalgia

From anything to a few weeks to a few months, in some cases even years – the heart break will begin to subdue. If the bitching stage was used this process may be sped up. She will have come to terms with the break up although there may still be traces of nostalgia, especially if it was a long term relationship.

Usually females are completely over a break up when they begin to look for a [long-term] partner again. That is not so say they may not look for a partner before. This is usually the case, i.e., a rebound. When a new partner is sought not in desperation because she feels lonely & misses cuddles, but because she is ready to start a new page in her life. She may also try new things, i.e., a new job, explore another interest etc.

So, how accurate do you think this is? Let me know in the comments below.
Have you experienced the same things? & what is the break up process like for guys?

thanks for reading.

The Lighty Curse

The Lighty Curse

Being mixed-race isnt as glamorous as some make it or perceive it to be.
Yes, there are advantages, but in my eyes, the disadvantages outweigh them…

ADVANTAGES

1. Best of both worlds

One of the best advantages in my eyes is the benefit of growing up with more than 2 cultures. Im half German & half Nigerian – I grew up in Germany, & then when i moved away at 7, I was immersed in the Nigerian culture. Its great to be able to relate to more than one culture, it makes you feel like you belong, which is usually a huge problem..

2. Male/Female Attention

I don’t really agree with this, but it clearly is one of the “advantages” – Light-skinned people are universally seen as more attractive.. In London, “Lighty’s/Brownin’s, Mixed-race girls” often catch a lot of male attention, & even more so for males, mixed race boys are often more desired, & even if some arent sexually attracted to them, they cant deny that they dont think they are attractive..

this pisses me off in a way .. Just because you are LIGHTSKINNED doesnt instantly make you beautiful. Ive seen A LOT of beautiful dark girls, but they never get the attention they deserve.

DISADVANTAGES

1. Problems fitting in

You can never truly belong in a group, even in a group of mixed-race people, because you can still come from different cultures. I had a lot of problems with this in the past. Not so much now, because ive learnt to become more independent, & in a way, I have always been quite independent, but even this isnt always a good thing. Sometimes, you just want to have ONE group that you fully belong to, rather then 7 where you sort of belong but you are never properly accepted. This problem is magnified for mixed-race people because of the multi-culture background, in some cases, they will find a group where they belong, but then another group that has different views they may also belong to, & as soon as you start spending some time with that group, the problem begins, because now you dont FULLY belong to a group anymore.

2. Peoples preconceived attitude towards you

People seem to have a preconceived idea about what mixed-race people are like, they main one being that we are “Stush/stuck up”… One bad apple in the basket spoils the rest.. There are mixed-race girls that think they’re TOO good for anyone. Walking around with their heads held high. We are not all like this.

Another thing people associate with mixed-race people is that we are promiscuous… Again, this is not true.. There are promiscuous people, but its not like the majority of them are mixed-race. In my opinion, i think its extremely difficult for “pretty people” to NOT be promiscuous.. For 2 reasons. Firstly, if you do get a lot of attention, some people who have low self-esteem will take whatever comes their way for approval.. & you can debate this, but its true in some cases. Secondly, if you do have a lot of attention, there may be some people that get through to you, make you believe they really like you, when really they’re only after one thing, & once trust is established … the rest is history.. Now once again, this isnt ALL mixed-race people, but, the bad apple spoils the rest of the basket. & yes true, some people may just like sex.

3. Black & Mixed-race are the same thing in employers eyes

This may not be as true in this day & age, but ive noticed since moving to Kent where the majority of the population are Caucasian – job prospects aren’t as good. Employers are supposed to give everyone an equal opportunity by law,however, i dont feel this is upheld as much as it should be. For example, my friend, who is black went into a shop & asked if there were any vacancies in early September. The lady she spoke to said no, they had already hired everyone – fair enough.. She then asked if there were any vacancies for Christmas, & the lady replied saying, no they have already hired… In September? She was blatantly lying. So, the next day, she asked her flatmate, who is white to ask, & miraculously, there were now vacancies… Similarly, I’ve been job hunting since I started uni & havent found anything. I even applied for McDonalds again -I worked there for a year & have excellent references. I got a call from the manager & he said I should come in to sort out the paper work since Ive worked there before. I went there & he asked me where I could work, & if I could work in the kitchen. The position I applied for was a cleaner for the dining area. I told him I can work anywhere expect for the kitchen because I hadn’t been trained. He then said – well, I dont like to hire people that have worked here before because it means they quit because they didnt like the job. I told him I quit because i was coming to uni.. He just kept chatting his nonsense & said unless I get an amazing reference from my old store, its unlikely Ill get a job. The next day I got that generic rejection e-mail. Now, the moral of this story is that, it doesnt matter if you’re light-skinned or not, employers see it all the same way..

the real difference between men & women

the real difference between men & women

apart from obvious biological differences, I think one of the things that seems to be hidden in plain sight is how we love.

a woman, falls in love “lust” very quickly. She may not show it, but she’ll be complaining & moaning to her girlfriends & the guy, usually oblivious to his “wastemanish-ways” usually wont realise…

Now, if the female doesn’t get too frustrated to the point where she gives up on him, because he isnt giving her what she wants, they may initiate a relationship..

& after a while, the novelty will wear off & annoying habits will eventually grind on her nerves or for some other reason, the relationship will end. A few tearful conversations with her bestie & a couple of hours of bitching of how “he doesnt deserve you anyway” & she will have moved on.

For guys, they are slow to fall in love.. I think it may be because while women have the skill of giving attention to a lot of different things at once (multi-tasking), guys put a lot more energy in doing one task at one moment in time, therefore, once a guy sets his mind to something, he does it with his whole being. A man has to know that you are worth his time & being, & once he has “fallen in love” with you, the bond is usually very hard to break.

Following a break up, a man could be down for weeks, months, even years – & in the words of Shania Twain – the first cut is the deepest. The pain a man felt from his first heart-break will deter him from falling in love again & in immature men, love & settling down is the last thing on their mind..

so… rant over.

Late Fashion Trends

Late Fashion Trends

I dont know who some people think they are. I’m not really into fashion, but I have a pretty good memory & i can spot when someone is copying something Ive seen somewhere else.
So, I’ve been on youtube last night and this morning watching hair tutorials.. Even though I dont have white people hair, I just find it interesting :).. Anyway, I just came across a tutorial called “Quick 2 Minute Updo” its from 2009, & the girl in in basically describes that her grandmother has just come from Japan & bought her a magazine & she found a nice hair style in it. The hair style is this swag that recently a lot girls have started doing. A chelsie bun or whatever its called, where the hair is in a bun at the front of your head – & the ends look like theyre tucked under the bun. Yeah. this video is from 2009 people. & people jumping on the style now as if its NEW.
There’s so many incidents of this happening – people dont realise theres no such thing as originality. People are getting most of their fashion ideas from the 80s area nowadays. If youre going to jump on a trend dont hype & say its new, because your parents have probably been there, done that.
The same thing goes for Aztec print – the youtube gurus have been raving and reviewing Aztec since early 2011 & only now people wanna jump on the wave. Yeah it’s nice but don’t pretend its the new thing, you’re just late.
Sadly, this applies mainly to black people. Yes, I said it. Black people are so late to jump on trends. i.e, I used to live in New Zealand, from 2000 –  2006 & while I was there the hype was around Converses, mainly, Chuck Taylors. But, I used to hang out with skaters, they wore Chuck Taylors because they were good shoes to wear & they would let them get messy. They didnt care about keeping them clean. Now, people are purposely wearing dirty converses.. Then, back to the point of black people, they will hype up the Converses & cry if a bit of mud gets on them. Grrr, these children just need to sit down.
People need to do some research if they want to follow a trend, find out its source, & dont just blindly follow the crowd.
Im gunna side-track but, I just wanna say, America is waaay behind on a time-scale, & yes its not their fault, but im just ranting anyway because I really dont like America. By the time it was Christmas here, they were still in Christmas Eve.. & Australia were already half way through Christmas! It pisses me off that everything has to be on Americas time, most things on the internet anyway. Online Sales, twitter etc..
But thats just my opinion, what do you think?

Au Natural

Au Natural

What does it mean to be “natural” – no weave, no make-up? Or does it mean more than that.. If your hair is relaxed your not natural anymore, are you? No, because your hair isnt in its natural state..

Have you shaped your eyebrows? Then you’re not natural..

Have you got your nails done? Your legs shaved, your moustache shaved, your chin hair plucked, your armpits shaved – then you are NOT natural..Make-up, false eyelashes, hair extensions.. STOP HATING..Females love to hate on eachother.. A phenomenon I’m still trying to find a valid explanation for – psychological or not. But the next time you see a girl with messed up weave & you remark “ew, look at her crusty weave” look at yourself first. I’ve had my fair share of weaves, and done countless things to my hair, relaxed, coloured, bleached, straightened etc, weave is just another form of making yourself up – because we all know that if we NEVER did anything to ourselves and went “au natural” half the pretty girls you see all over Tumblr etc. wouldnt exist…

rant over.

The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone
friend zone

what is the friend zone?

one definition of the friend zone is:
a state of unrequited love where in a friendship, one of the “friends” wants more than friendship, but the other person does not. They may or may not be aware of the other friend wanting more from the current relationship. The act of being “friend-zoned” is to be in the position of the friend who wants to advance the relationship.

Contrary to popular belief – females can be friend-zoned too. It’s a very frustrating ordeal…

how did you end up in the friend zone/how to know if you are in the friendzone?

To be fair, I don’t know how females end up in the friend zone. I’ll make an educated guess & say that a girl may be friend zoned if the guy suspects she’s going to friend zone him, or if the guy happens to be very good looking & already has a lot of girls chasing him, he may friend zone a few of them that he finds are actually cool to chill with etc etc. Another reason that comes to mind is the idea of the chase. If you are constantly speaking to a guy first or arranging to see him, you take away from the chase. If a guy feels he doesn’t have to fight for your attention he may see you as “easy” & quickly lose interest.

With guys on the other hand, it’s a lot easier to explain. We’re all familiar with the good guy vs. bad guy concept. Females like a bad boy… Nice guys finish last, all that nonsense. There are two main types of males. Alpha males, who are assertive and “more attractive” to females, and then there are the Beta males. Beta males are less assertive and tend to have qualities that women require from a long-term relationship. So why are they being friend-zoned?? Because of their lack of assertiveness. They spend all their time waiting for the “right time” to make a move while all the time trying to get to know the woman. After some time, the woman may see him as a great friend and person she can confide him, & since he has taken so long to make a move, she may just assume he isn’t looking for that kind of thing.

These are the most blatant signs that you are in the friend zone. When a woman starts asking you for relationship advice or telling you any of her sexual business. She asks you to go bra shopping. She brushes off any attempts to talk in a flirtatious way, or she is flirty, she will always apologise for it. She will also avoid talking about sex… with you. 

When a girl is friend-zoned, it is a bit harder to tell. But, the way I see it, if a guy is into you, he will make effort. If you are constantly having to talk to him first, there’s a good chance you’re in the friend zone. If you are constantly having to make excuses for him not speaking to you. If he always seems busy. Your hinting to get together falls on deaf ears, there is a good chance you are in the friend zone.

how to get out of the friend zone

A word of warning. Attempting to get out of the friend zone would mean having to play games. If you don’t like to play games, it would be better to just move on and try to find someone else.
The best method to get out of the friend zone is as follows:

Step 1: Make yourself unavailable
if you spend a lot of time talking to them, stop it. Make yourself appear busy. You don’t have to be rude or mean, just apologise politely if they ask to see you or avoid spending more than 5-10 minutes on the phone. Try not to text back straight away… Making yourself unavailable will allow you to re-build the relationship, while also making the other person more curious.

step 2. Test the waters
Try talking to other people, if this plan doesn’t work out for you, who knows, you might find someone else. Go on a few dates, or if you can’t, still try to be seen with members of the opposite sex by the friend zoner. They may not have seen you in such a way, but people always want what they can’t have. If they see you with someone else, they will see a different side of you. In a girls case, this may re-awaken the chase in the guy, & for a girl, she will see that you are capable of being intimate. If you got friend zoned because the girl thought you weren’t into her, this will make her question maybe why you didn’t try it on her.

Step 3: Re-build the relationship
The next time you speak to them, don’t let it be on friendly terms. You need to be assertive. Be more flirtatious, joke about sex. The goal here is to eventually ask them on a date. Don’t leave it up to them. Have something planned. Try to think of a few alternatives because they may not want to do something. Try to avoid the cinemas or anything where your attention will be on something else for the majority of the time. A dinner or something. I wouldn’t really recommend this step for females because I don’t believe a woman should chase a man. The trick for women is to come back on the scene as a new woman. If he is used to seeing you dressed very conservatively or my tomboy-ish, re-invent your look temporarily. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should dress more revealing, but flashing a big of flesh, accentuate your shape with pieces that compliment your body shape. Carry yourself differently. But remember, he must always be the one to ask you on a date.

from here, you should be on your way to exiting the friend zone. But remember, this only works in some situations. It may just be that the person genuinely doesn’t have any feelings like that for you, & you must weigh up the pros & cons of whether you want to risk damaging your friendship. Also remember; you cannot ignore someone who isn’t already paying attention. 

Just a final note. I don’t like playing games with people & quite frankly, I’m not very good at it. If you find that you’ve been friend-zoned, the best advice I can give you is to move on & let go.