How to Get Closure after a Breakup

Happy New Year everyone. My goodness I am late – the writers block is still hovering over me but I think I’m overcoming it now.

I’m not sure if there will be more in store for the 50 shades series, although I wasn’t planning to do 50 posts, if you think you have a wasteman I haven’t covered let me know in a comment somewhere. Hopefully by this point you can identify if someone is not good for you. We all have different tolerance levels of the bullshit we can take.

The next few posts are going to be about how to walk away from them and get them out of your life. The thing you have to remember is that this is not a step by step HOW-TO guide, I’m giving advice/a guideline. Nor is it the only way to do it.

So lets get right into it. If you haven’t read the introduction post, I suggest you do here. I finished by saying you need a firm foundation within yourself in order to have a successful relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re on your own to grow and develop yourself. Every relationship you have is a lesson.

After you’ve finished crying and eating ice cream – whatever it is you do to mourn a relationship – do it. It’s healthy to. But don’t let it carry on too long, take time to reflect on it and try to find 3 things you learned from the relationship. If you cant find anything, you didn’t learn anything and that means you’re going to end up being in the same situation again until you do learn.

But what if they’re still in your life? What do you do after you’ve broken up and now they were doing all the things they weren’t. Take some time to analyse the situation. Men, as we all know, like the thrill of the chase – if you dumped him and now he wont stop calling and texting, he may just be being a dog and chasing you to see if he still has a hold over you. I’m not saying it will be easy, but dont show him if its affecting you.

Answer the phone cheerfully. Even if you know its him calling.
Dont look miserable and tired when you see him – note you dont have to look super fine (this can work against you)
Dont continuously talk about depressing subjects on w.e social network you’re on

you get the idea? And you dont have to do all these things, sometimes you may genuinely be upset about something else, its okay to show that. The point is that you fake not missing him until you do. And don’t just do these things as an act – you need to believe it yourself.

A big problem when we first leave a relationship is that we can sometimes be confused where it went wrong and we want closure. That doesn’t mean you have to talk to him about it. Asking “why”, especially right after you have broken up with him can leave him in a position of power. He can say whatever he wants to say – you don’t know if he’s telling the truth. And if you’re dealing with a wordsmith it can get messy.

Instead, use the lessons you learned to weigh up what went wrong, and how you can avoid the same situation. Give yourself this closure and peace of mind, then maybe in a few months or maybe even years and you happen to end up talking to the ex again, then you can ask him in a mature manner.

So, I hope that quenched some of your cravings for my posts. I’m really sorry I’ve been away – I’ve been dealing with a lot of sh*t.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the newest post.

 

The complete guide to walking away…

The complete guide to walking away…

walking away“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

In  the words of Kelly Clarkson, I’m  looking for attention, not another question – should you stay or should you go? If you dont have the answer why are you still standing here? JUST WALK AWAY!

Every girl has been in a situation where she’s not sure how to cut a guy off that she knows is not good company to keep. Too often women find themselves with a man that does not deserve or respect them, yet they still hang around hoping they will change. If you’ve read any of my posts from the series, 50 shades of Wastemen, you should know by now a leopard never changes his spots.

Women seem to place a responsibility upon themselves to be a mother to their lover – they want to guide and mould them into the man they desire. And most of the time this plan fails. The only thing you can do is bring out the qualities in a man that are already there, but you cannot add or remove characteristics. A man is not a gadget, smartphone, or blank slate. Everyone comes with their own baggage and if you cant handle the baggage, leave. No one is forcing you to stay.

This is where the problem arises. And there are more than one. Originally I was going to make one long blog post, but I realised it would have been way too long. So this is an introduction. Although there are many problem when it comes to letting someone go there is one point I think applies to all woman. And it is this.

No relationship can be built firmly if the foundation is not firm. What do I mean by this?
You may think the foundation is how you meet, or if there was a spark..This is not what I am referring to.
You are the foundation. If you haven’t found yourself and understand yourself at a basic level, how can you understand anyone elses needs. When we were younger our parents warned us not to start dating too early. It wasn’t because they were being overprotective, it was because they didn’t want you to get bored.

If you are experiencing heartache from a young age over and over, by the time you’re 22 and you’ve been dating for almost a decade, what do you think will happen to you? You will get bored of the dating scene. You’re going to feel as if time is running out and start seeking to initiate more serious relationships. Auditioning husbands but at the same time your still so young. Even if you do find love young, and you get married and have kids at a very young age, if you didn’t give yourself time to be youthful and learn how to be happy ON YOUR OWN. if your perfect relationship were to dishevel you are left with nothing. My friends mother got married young and she was born after her parents were married, her mum was a perfect housewife, but when she was young they divorced and her mother, now 40-something, dates casually and goes club hopping with 20 year olds. Is this what you want for yourself? Allow yourself to have fun, dont make relationships too serious. Even if you think that person is the one, if it is meant to be, it will be.

With all this being said, we also deceive ourselves into thinking someone is the right guy. All the signs can be there, but our lack of self love and ability to make ourselves happy blinds us. Fear of not having any attention or the tediousness of talking to a whole new person can seem daunting, but if someone is not good for your life they need to be cut off.

I will try, every week to write a new post for each situation, whether its you’ve just met someone and dont know how to judge whether to walk away or be patient, OR if you’re already in love with the person and are finding a hard time letting them go – stay tuned. I’ll be updating my twitter and instagram with the new posts so you can also follow me on there.  @msschwann is the username for both.

Thanks for reading guys,

leave your thoughts below.

Wasteman #1 – The Doubter

To kick start my new “feature” im going to be writing about I will start with a type of man I like to call “the doubter”.
I’ve been having a lot of doubters coming into my life recently and here is what I mean by that.

This is the type of the guy that is insecure about whether he is good enough for you. Almost like a stalker, a doubter will always overthink and over re-act to things you do, how you say them AND your omissions. To some girls it can be quite intense and you may feel like you are being backed into a corner and things may get too serious very early.

In extreme cases you may feel threatened as he can sometimes go to some crazy lengths to do stuff. Apart from being insecure about being good enough for you, he will also feel he needs to try extra hard to prove himself to you. Simply saying “I love you too” won’t silence him. He’ll start to think that you are just saying it to keep him happy.

This type of guy is grossly romantic and may sometimes seem suffocating and scary. He’s the type of guy to watch you sleep, ALL night – & not in the sweet romantic way, but he will be up all night thinking “oh my goodness, I don’t deserve this girl”…

He’s also quite immature when it comes to relationship and will assume that if things aren’t always happy and cheerful, it means you hate him or you want to end the relationship. Even if this isn’t the case (which in the beginning I’m assuming it wouldn’t be), his incessant nagging and pleading will drive you to the edge and cause a break up. Which won’t help much either because then he will assume that you were just planning to do it all along.

He can’t see what is wrong with his behaviour and this is what makes him a wasteman… He will think he is being the sort of gentleman every woman desires and that he is offering you the whole world on a silver platter, which you are showing very little appreciation for. If you do eventually leave him, or one day snap and tell him about himself he will feel deeply offended and try to make you feel like you are the one being irrational.

How do you spot him?

look out for signs such as constantly asking for reassurance very early in the relationship or during dating. This is usually a very good indicator. Also, another subtle inclination of this sort of behaviour is a longing for very dramatic text or phone conversations in early stages of dating/relationships.

Personally, I put up with a doubter for a few years (3 to be exact) and I may have stuck with him because I didn’t mind it too much, until it got obsessive.. Calling me at 2am during exam season to complain that we didn’t talk enough turned into a very scary situation. But I will respect him and not go into too much detail.. Yet.

You may be able to put up with a doubter however in my particular situation it turned out that he was also under the category of “The Ambitionless”

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.