How to Get Closure after a Breakup

Happy New Year everyone. My goodness I am late – the writers block is still hovering over me but I think I’m overcoming it now.

I’m not sure if there will be more in store for the 50 shades series, although I wasn’t planning to do 50 posts, if you think you have a wasteman I haven’t covered let me know in a comment somewhere. Hopefully by this point you can identify if someone is not good for you. We all have different tolerance levels of the bullshit we can take.

The next few posts are going to be about how to walk away from them and get them out of your life. The thing you have to remember is that this is not a step by step HOW-TO guide, I’m giving advice/a guideline. Nor is it the only way to do it.

So lets get right into it. If you haven’t read the introduction post, I suggest you do here. I finished by saying you need a firm foundation within yourself in order to have a successful relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re on your own to grow and develop yourself. Every relationship you have is a lesson.

After you’ve finished crying and eating ice cream – whatever it is you do to mourn a relationship – do it. It’s healthy to. But don’t let it carry on too long, take time to reflect on it and try to find 3 things you learned from the relationship. If you cant find anything, you didn’t learn anything and that means you’re going to end up being in the same situation again until you do learn.

But what if they’re still in your life? What do you do after you’ve broken up and now they were doing all the things they weren’t. Take some time to analyse the situation. Men, as we all know, like the thrill of the chase – if you dumped him and now he wont stop calling and texting, he may just be being a dog and chasing you to see if he still has a hold over you. I’m not saying it will be easy, but dont show him if its affecting you.

Answer the phone cheerfully. Even if you know its him calling.
Dont look miserable and tired when you see him – note you dont have to look super fine (this can work against you)
Dont continuously talk about depressing subjects on w.e social network you’re on

you get the idea? And you dont have to do all these things, sometimes you may genuinely be upset about something else, its okay to show that. The point is that you fake not missing him until you do. And don’t just do these things as an act – you need to believe it yourself.

A big problem when we first leave a relationship is that we can sometimes be confused where it went wrong and we want closure. That doesn’t mean you have to talk to him about it. Asking “why”, especially right after you have broken up with him can leave him in a position of power. He can say whatever he wants to say – you don’t know if he’s telling the truth. And if you’re dealing with a wordsmith it can get messy.

Instead, use the lessons you learned to weigh up what went wrong, and how you can avoid the same situation. Give yourself this closure and peace of mind, then maybe in a few months or maybe even years and you happen to end up talking to the ex again, then you can ask him in a mature manner.

So, I hope that quenched some of your cravings for my posts. I’m really sorry I’ve been away – I’ve been dealing with a lot of sh*t.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the newest post.

 

Wasteman #6 – The Hotel User

Ladies, whatever you do – whether you’ve just met a guy or you’ve known him for a few years… If he insists on going to a hotel, for whatever reason, don’t go. Unless he is your man and there is a special occasion, you have no reason to be going to a hotel with a guy unless you want the following to happen. Here’s how the night will pan out.

Even if you are down to do the only thing there is to do in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex, the night wont go how you expect. You may be thinking you’re in for a night of love and passion. Multiple rounds and orgasms, falling asleep and waking up again to sleepy kisses and cuddles. No. First of all, you’re lucky if he pays. If he tells you to book and he will give you the money on the day – it’s very unlikely that he will. If you have a guy that likes to splash cash he might pay for 2 nights so you don’t have to check out my midday – the same thing is still going to happen. When you arrive, TV turns on, spooning ensues, and before you know it, you’re forking.

WARNING**** a guy that insists on going to a hotel rather than going to his house, regardless of whether he lives by himself, with flatmates or his ‘rents, there is a very high chance that he will be one or both of these things about to mention. 1. An abomination as a penis. 2. Doesn’t last very long.

He may try to will try to fork you without a jimmy (condom) and try to front like he didn’t expect the current situation to happen. “Let me check if I have some” if you dont have any, will probably the words to leave his mouth. Believe me he does. Unless he’s a bigger wasteman and claims he is allergic to latex.. Even if he is, there are alternatives available on the market. Once that is sorted out, unless you dont like condoms either, you’ll be lucky to get 2 rounds out of him, then his phone will conveniently ring and one of his boys will be in some sort of trouble. He will leave – and please believe me, he is not coming back. Make sure you have money for food or eat before hand, or better yet, got him to buy something. You’re lucky if you get hold of him on the phone, if he hasn’t blocked your number. He will promise he’ll be back in an hour – but you will wait, and he won’t come back. Chances are you wont have been fully satisfied -so now you’re in a hotel room, one your ones, horny, and most likely pissed off, confused or frustrated.

How To Spot Him

If you’ve just met him and he offers to pay for a hotel but on the day or asks you to pay for it and he will pay you back, theres a good chance he will be a hotel user. This also applies if you’ve known him for a long time.

Always make sure you’re safe and you know where the hotel is, and how to get home if you do decide to go. Make sure you know how you get home and have money for bus, taxi or train. Guys usually use this plan if they know they can’t really satisfy a woman – he will get his own and leave once you’ve clocked what happens. Just when you think its about to get good…

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Wasteman #4 – The One Who Refuses to Give You a Title

If there’s anything worse than a guy who forever makes you empty promises then the guy that refuses to give you title is definitely on the same level of wasteman-ism.

Whether this guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship from the beginning or tells you half way through the courtship he’s not ready for a relationship the two situations are equally as aggravating.

If a guy is treating you like his girl or he is expecting you to do things a girlfriend should do but he hasn’t made it official between you two – its very unlikely that he will eventually give you that title.

From experience & what other girls have told me, I’ve noticed a pattern. Its usually if you are a girl he’s dating just after he has come out of a long term relationship. You may not necessarily be a rebound like, but after a bad breakup a guy is usually reluctant to jump back on the monogamy wagon. Especially if he was with his ex for a few years. Don’t be offended – it takes a lot to jump back on that train & if he’s not ready you should give him time. If he isn’t being very responsive and seems distant he probably still misses his ex and there’s a good chance you could be a rebound like.

However if he swears he is offer his ex and he is taking you out on dates, wining & dining you, speaking to you everyday. Good morning & good night texts or phonecalls & he starts making demands like asking you too cook him food, massages, borrow money… Don’t be the stupid girl that gives him all the privileges a man receives from a girlfriend and not demand a title. He can use the wordsmith in him & make you feel like you should do these things. Here’s a few excuses he might throw around

– its just a title, its about what he have babe
– I’m scared of commitment
– I just got out of a bad relationship
– I thought you were okay with what we had
– I don’t want to ruin our friendship

For anyone reading this & nodding in agreement with the first bullet point let me explain the importance of The Title to a female. I agree that the relationship isn’t about the title of being girlfriend and boyfriend or husband and wife. Its about how you interact with eachother and naturally the best relationships are those born out of friendship. However a relationship is all about give and take. A woman needs to be respected and giving her a title is a way of showing that you respect her. Unless you have already agreed that you want to be friends with benefits and don’t want to put a label on the thing you have going on, so be it. But if you are taking a girl out, sleeping with her & expecting her to cater to your needs its only fair you show her the respect she deserves.

Let me give you an example from my own life. There’s was a guy I was seeing for the first half of last year and through the summer before I started university. I had been seeing him for a while and at one point he was the only person I went to go and see. I lost contact with most of my friends and acquaintances (though out of personal choice) & when people used to see us together all the time they naturally assumed we were in a relationship. It was so embarrassing when people used to ask me, is that your man, & I would reply no. It is humiliating to give all your time and effort to one person and treat them like they are your man when he hasn’t made it official. Even his friends thought we were a couple. & after 4 months when I asked him if we were – he replied he wasn’t ready to give me such a title. Having waited and waited it began to bother me that he was treating me like I was exclusively his and vice versa. He even met my mother & rest of my family. Finally when it was time for me to move to the other side of the country he became Mr. Why are you leaving me. I wasn’t going to wait around and hope for something that may never happen and jeopardise my own happiness and path in life.

How To Spot Him

I think from reading as much as you have so far you should have a good clue of what the characteristics of this type of man are. He is an opportunist that would rather keep you monogamous to him but not make it official. That way if he sleeps with another girl you have no right to cuss him out and slash his tyres.

Being with a man like this can be difficult. he leaves with no ground to stand on and may cause you to become insecure about yourself. Soon enough you’ll find yourself question “what’s wrong with me” as if its your fault he thinks he’s a clever so & so. If you don’t care about a title (& I will say, I thought I didn’t at first but after a while it does start to gnaw at you) then this is the man for you. He won’t necessarily treat you wrong but he can always up & leave with no strings attached any time he likes.

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Wasteman #1 – The Doubter

To kick start my new “feature” im going to be writing about I will start with a type of man I like to call “the doubter”.
I’ve been having a lot of doubters coming into my life recently and here is what I mean by that.

This is the type of the guy that is insecure about whether he is good enough for you. Almost like a stalker, a doubter will always overthink and over re-act to things you do, how you say them AND your omissions. To some girls it can be quite intense and you may feel like you are being backed into a corner and things may get too serious very early.

In extreme cases you may feel threatened as he can sometimes go to some crazy lengths to do stuff. Apart from being insecure about being good enough for you, he will also feel he needs to try extra hard to prove himself to you. Simply saying “I love you too” won’t silence him. He’ll start to think that you are just saying it to keep him happy.

This type of guy is grossly romantic and may sometimes seem suffocating and scary. He’s the type of guy to watch you sleep, ALL night – & not in the sweet romantic way, but he will be up all night thinking “oh my goodness, I don’t deserve this girl”…

He’s also quite immature when it comes to relationship and will assume that if things aren’t always happy and cheerful, it means you hate him or you want to end the relationship. Even if this isn’t the case (which in the beginning I’m assuming it wouldn’t be), his incessant nagging and pleading will drive you to the edge and cause a break up. Which won’t help much either because then he will assume that you were just planning to do it all along.

He can’t see what is wrong with his behaviour and this is what makes him a wasteman… He will think he is being the sort of gentleman every woman desires and that he is offering you the whole world on a silver platter, which you are showing very little appreciation for. If you do eventually leave him, or one day snap and tell him about himself he will feel deeply offended and try to make you feel like you are the one being irrational.

How do you spot him?

look out for signs such as constantly asking for reassurance very early in the relationship or during dating. This is usually a very good indicator. Also, another subtle inclination of this sort of behaviour is a longing for very dramatic text or phone conversations in early stages of dating/relationships.

Personally, I put up with a doubter for a few years (3 to be exact) and I may have stuck with him because I didn’t mind it too much, until it got obsessive.. Calling me at 2am during exam season to complain that we didn’t talk enough turned into a very scary situation. But I will respect him and not go into too much detail.. Yet.

You may be able to put up with a doubter however in my particular situation it turned out that he was also under the category of “The Ambitionless”

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

the real difference between men & women

the real difference between men & women

apart from obvious biological differences, I think one of the things that seems to be hidden in plain sight is how we love.

a woman, falls in love “lust” very quickly. She may not show it, but she’ll be complaining & moaning to her girlfriends & the guy, usually oblivious to his “wastemanish-ways” usually wont realise…

Now, if the female doesn’t get too frustrated to the point where she gives up on him, because he isnt giving her what she wants, they may initiate a relationship..

& after a while, the novelty will wear off & annoying habits will eventually grind on her nerves or for some other reason, the relationship will end. A few tearful conversations with her bestie & a couple of hours of bitching of how “he doesnt deserve you anyway” & she will have moved on.

For guys, they are slow to fall in love.. I think it may be because while women have the skill of giving attention to a lot of different things at once (multi-tasking), guys put a lot more energy in doing one task at one moment in time, therefore, once a guy sets his mind to something, he does it with his whole being. A man has to know that you are worth his time & being, & once he has “fallen in love” with you, the bond is usually very hard to break.

Following a break up, a man could be down for weeks, months, even years – & in the words of Shania Twain – the first cut is the deepest. The pain a man felt from his first heart-break will deter him from falling in love again & in immature men, love & settling down is the last thing on their mind..

so… rant over.

Au Natural

Au Natural

What does it mean to be “natural” – no weave, no make-up? Or does it mean more than that.. If your hair is relaxed your not natural anymore, are you? No, because your hair isnt in its natural state..

Have you shaped your eyebrows? Then you’re not natural..

Have you got your nails done? Your legs shaved, your moustache shaved, your chin hair plucked, your armpits shaved – then you are NOT natural..Make-up, false eyelashes, hair extensions.. STOP HATING..Females love to hate on eachother.. A phenomenon I’m still trying to find a valid explanation for – psychological or not. But the next time you see a girl with messed up weave & you remark “ew, look at her crusty weave” look at yourself first. I’ve had my fair share of weaves, and done countless things to my hair, relaxed, coloured, bleached, straightened etc, weave is just another form of making yourself up – because we all know that if we NEVER did anything to ourselves and went “au natural” half the pretty girls you see all over Tumblr etc. wouldnt exist…

rant over.