In The Night

In The Night

In the night, when half of humanity is sleeping
& the other half is working –
lonliness is your only companion
the presence of silence is haunting
& your mind begins to ponder & wander.

First it takes baby steps, evaluating the day,
the confused weather, grey & blue.
The late night films to be watched
at your own discretion…
until you start dissecting the world
It is a gloriously, beautiful bastard.

Your eyes demand sleep,
but your mind does not let you,
you are too deep in thought
The world is a dangerous place & the
shelter of your mother & fathers house
can no longer protect you
Its time for you to spread your wings

& although the anticipation is positive
the closer it gets, the more daunting it becomes
having lived in the system since birth
school, college, university.
Always someone there
making the tough decisions

Will you be part of the system when you leave?
did you learn enough?
Did you pick up the skills to survive,
in the white mans world?

& this is where your mind wanders in the night
& before you know it, the birds are awake
& the absence of silence allows you to finally,
slumber.

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Update

Update

my goodness, I havent sat down & written a text post/blog entry in MONTHS. I havent even been busy, I have been doing absolutely nothing. Over the Christmas holidays, days just melted into one long thing. I had no sense of what time it was as I was just in bed, sleeping, messing around on the internet & eating once a day, 2 if I remembered. I didnt feel hungry – ever.

But thats besides the point. As we all know, university is different to how it was, say, 30 – 40 years ago. A degree makes you stand out in the eyes of an employer. Nowadays, EVERYONE has a degree and a 2.1 is the equivalent of a first. We are supposed to broaden our horizons, get involved in different societies & get the most out of it as we can. So why am I half way through first year & I have done NOTHING until now? Of course, in the beginning I said “join all the societies” .. “have a different thing to do every day”, but that turned out do be quite expensive. I didnt even join the gym like I planned until now.

I recently read a few “self-help” books, yes. I know – but they opened my eyes. I didnt have too much guidance from my mother in regards to how to act like a woman and date and everything. I was always a tomboy and preferred to chill with boys in the hope that they would reveal their secret to me about what makes a woman irresistible. & although these books were written by females about men, they made sense. A man, at the end of the day, wants a WOMAN. Yes, playing video games or being into football may be bonus, but they still want a female. & not a needy one either.

I realised that I come across as needy, not because I am, but because I have nothing else to do. So after being in bed today till 5pm, thinking, Ive decided to take control of my life. Not just to get a Man, but because yesterday was the most fun I ever had – & i believe this is what student life was meant to be like.

After waking up at 12pm, I did my laundry & out of the blue my flatmate asked me to come & try a spanish/salsa class workshop. I was AMAZING, I interracted with so many people I never would have thought. Afterwards I went to the gym for about 2 hours, something that I miss from my old life – & then in the evening my friends asked me to come out to a night in town. Which was really fun as well. It was cheap, I didnt have to drink to have fun and there was no drama involved.

So, this is really here for me. As a reminder of when I decided to turn my life around and actually be productive. 25th February 2012. & I hope I inspired some people to do the same.

Poor?

Poor?

Recently, I have been really worrying about material things. I never really cared for clothes or having the latest technology – & anyone who knows me will know this. I dont really care, I have never owned an iPod, or a blackberry, or an iPhone, or even an Android. The most advanced phone Ive ever owned is one from T-Mobile which was £50 & it had internet access and was touch screen, & had a slide out QWERTY.. I really liked that phone as well 😦 .. but anyway .. Even when I was younger, I never had a Nintendo gaming system, or a gameboy or anything like that, because I never cared for it enough. Or even if i did, I never liked asking my mum for things – I still dont to this day. The first time I held a gameboy was when my brother asked my mum to get him one for his birthday back in the early 00’s. I cant name at least 5 Mario characters without help, because Ive never owned any of the games and played, & got to know it.

& on reflection of this, I dont even know WHY IM caring .. The above things are not affecting me, Im just thinking about the approval of others in society. Money seems to be a big key to “happiness” they say, then others argue money cant buy you happiness. But money can buy you an iPhone, & chinos, & snapbacks & those new Galaxy shoes or w.e they are. But are they making you happy? Or are they just things that will aid you in your pursuit of approval from your peers . Think about it?

How do you see yourself compared to your friends? yes you may not have a job & life can be a bit of a struggle. The parent you live with, or parents may not have a good job or be struggling as well, but the majority of people that I see seem to be able to ask another family member for money. Maybe your dad lives in another country as a bank manager or something, you aren’t struggling, because you have a source of money elsewhere. Not everyone has a rich family member somewhere else. Maybe some people only have the family they live with. No distant cousins, or close ones. So dont talk to me about money problems, because you can’t get the latest iPhone or laptop or iPad or whatever it is that you want… It’s hard these days – especially if you’re not doing some sort of illegal activity like AC’s/selling drugs.

You’re struggling yet you have a £1000 Apple Mac computer, £400 camera & topshop clothes. Dont talk to me about struggle.