How to Get Closure after a Breakup

Happy New Year everyone. My goodness I am late – the writers block is still hovering over me but I think I’m overcoming it now.

I’m not sure if there will be more in store for the 50 shades series, although I wasn’t planning to do 50 posts, if you think you have a wasteman I haven’t covered let me know in a comment somewhere. Hopefully by this point you can identify if someone is not good for you. We all have different tolerance levels of the bullshit we can take.

The next few posts are going to be about how to walk away from them and get them out of your life. The thing you have to remember is that this is not a step by step HOW-TO guide, I’m giving advice/a guideline. Nor is it the only way to do it.

So lets get right into it. If you haven’t read the introduction post, I suggest you do here. I finished by saying you need a firm foundation within yourself in order to have a successful relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re on your own to grow and develop yourself. Every relationship you have is a lesson.

After you’ve finished crying and eating ice cream – whatever it is you do to mourn a relationship – do it. It’s healthy to. But don’t let it carry on too long, take time to reflect on it and try to find 3 things you learned from the relationship. If you cant find anything, you didn’t learn anything and that means you’re going to end up being in the same situation again until you do learn.

But what if they’re still in your life? What do you do after you’ve broken up and now they were doing all the things they weren’t. Take some time to analyse the situation. Men, as we all know, like the thrill of the chase – if you dumped him and now he wont stop calling and texting, he may just be being a dog and chasing you to see if he still has a hold over you. I’m not saying it will be easy, but dont show him if its affecting you.

Answer the phone cheerfully. Even if you know its him calling.
Dont look miserable and tired when you see him – note you dont have to look super fine (this can work against you)
Dont continuously talk about depressing subjects on w.e social network you’re on

you get the idea? And you dont have to do all these things, sometimes you may genuinely be upset about something else, its okay to show that. The point is that you fake not missing him until you do. And don’t just do these things as an act – you need to believe it yourself.

A big problem when we first leave a relationship is that we can sometimes be confused where it went wrong and we want closure. That doesn’t mean you have to talk to him about it. Asking “why”, especially right after you have broken up with him can leave him in a position of power. He can say whatever he wants to say – you don’t know if he’s telling the truth. And if you’re dealing with a wordsmith it can get messy.

Instead, use the lessons you learned to weigh up what went wrong, and how you can avoid the same situation. Give yourself this closure and peace of mind, then maybe in a few months or maybe even years and you happen to end up talking to the ex again, then you can ask him in a mature manner.

So, I hope that quenched some of your cravings for my posts. I’m really sorry I’ve been away – I’ve been dealing with a lot of sh*t.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the newest post.

 

The complete guide to walking away…

The complete guide to walking away…

walking away“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

In  the words of Kelly Clarkson, I’m  looking for attention, not another question – should you stay or should you go? If you dont have the answer why are you still standing here? JUST WALK AWAY!

Every girl has been in a situation where she’s not sure how to cut a guy off that she knows is not good company to keep. Too often women find themselves with a man that does not deserve or respect them, yet they still hang around hoping they will change. If you’ve read any of my posts from the series, 50 shades of Wastemen, you should know by now a leopard never changes his spots.

Women seem to place a responsibility upon themselves to be a mother to their lover – they want to guide and mould them into the man they desire. And most of the time this plan fails. The only thing you can do is bring out the qualities in a man that are already there, but you cannot add or remove characteristics. A man is not a gadget, smartphone, or blank slate. Everyone comes with their own baggage and if you cant handle the baggage, leave. No one is forcing you to stay.

This is where the problem arises. And there are more than one. Originally I was going to make one long blog post, but I realised it would have been way too long. So this is an introduction. Although there are many problem when it comes to letting someone go there is one point I think applies to all woman. And it is this.

No relationship can be built firmly if the foundation is not firm. What do I mean by this?
You may think the foundation is how you meet, or if there was a spark..This is not what I am referring to.
You are the foundation. If you haven’t found yourself and understand yourself at a basic level, how can you understand anyone elses needs. When we were younger our parents warned us not to start dating too early. It wasn’t because they were being overprotective, it was because they didn’t want you to get bored.

If you are experiencing heartache from a young age over and over, by the time you’re 22 and you’ve been dating for almost a decade, what do you think will happen to you? You will get bored of the dating scene. You’re going to feel as if time is running out and start seeking to initiate more serious relationships. Auditioning husbands but at the same time your still so young. Even if you do find love young, and you get married and have kids at a very young age, if you didn’t give yourself time to be youthful and learn how to be happy ON YOUR OWN. if your perfect relationship were to dishevel you are left with nothing. My friends mother got married young and she was born after her parents were married, her mum was a perfect housewife, but when she was young they divorced and her mother, now 40-something, dates casually and goes club hopping with 20 year olds. Is this what you want for yourself? Allow yourself to have fun, dont make relationships too serious. Even if you think that person is the one, if it is meant to be, it will be.

With all this being said, we also deceive ourselves into thinking someone is the right guy. All the signs can be there, but our lack of self love and ability to make ourselves happy blinds us. Fear of not having any attention or the tediousness of talking to a whole new person can seem daunting, but if someone is not good for your life they need to be cut off.

I will try, every week to write a new post for each situation, whether its you’ve just met someone and dont know how to judge whether to walk away or be patient, OR if you’re already in love with the person and are finding a hard time letting them go – stay tuned. I’ll be updating my twitter and instagram with the new posts so you can also follow me on there.  @msschwann is the username for both.

Thanks for reading guys,

leave your thoughts below.

Communication is key

Communication is key

You’ve probably heard a million times that the key to a successful relationship is communication, and seriously, it is.
But the problem that most people have is that they either (1) Don’t know what communication is or (2) They can’t do the damn thing properly.

I also want to stress that communication between you and partner is the only communication you should be engaging in when it comes to expressing your feelings/problems you are having with your partner. More time (& mostly girls) you will be telling your friends everything that is happening. It gets to the point where it is you, your partner, and all your friends in the relationship. When you tell your friends the problem you are having with your partner there will always be a bias in your favour. So if your partner did something wrong and you tell your friends, you’re more likely to hear negative advice an feedback, which will then linger in your mind. Also, once youve said it once, you’re less likely to want to repeat yourself, especially if its a very complex problem to explain, so you end up never telling your partner and this is the worst thing you can do.

So with that being said, let me first explain what communication IS.

communication: noun, (from Latin “communis”, meaning to share) is the activity of conveying information through the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information…

Like I’ve already mention, if you have any problems with the relationship, this should only be discussed between you and your partner. One problem a lot of people have is not being able to say what is on their mind properly. This can be either because they havent thought about the problem enough to break it down, OR, they are scared they will sound stupid. There comes a point in your life when you just have to get over it and say what the fuck is on your mind.

With that being said, communication is a two way street. You cant be the only one spilling your heart out and the other person is non-responsive or doesnt know what to say in response. You shouldnt force someone to talk to you, BUT sometimes it is necessary. The biggest reason a partner may be unresponsive is they don’t understand how serious the issue is. Especially with one sided problems, a partner may be unaware of your grievances and may therefore not acknowledge the fact that what you are trying to tell them is more serious than they think. Lay everything out on the table. In a worst case scenario you may even get emotional and start crying… But if you do, don’t shrug off the issue, try to calm down and still say what needs to be said, or it will never get sorted out.

The best sort of communication is done face to face, so, now you have a better idea of what communication is, I can go into explaining how to do it properly.

As I mentioned earlier, communication is  two way street. Even if a problem has only been affecting one person in the relationship, leave room for the unaffected partner to share a piece of their mind. If you are on the receiving end of hearing a problem, no matter how trivial it may seem, treat it with seriousness. In most cases, small pet peeves can snowball into massive arguments in the future, so its best to solve the problem as soon as possible. Additionally, someones problem may be very abstract and hard to explain, and in order to explain, may think of past scenarios – to you it may sound stupid, but still treat it like a serious issue. Theres nothing worse than building up the courage to tell someone how you really feel about them, especially if it has a negative connotation, and then for your opinion to be shrugged off as irrelevant or insignificant. There is that magic word again (Irrelevant – read more about that here).

so, for those on the receiving end:

1. Treat any problems that are brought up as highly serious, and always assume there is more to it than mentioned.
2. If you really are uninterested or disagree with something (i.e., you dont believe you’re being “inconsiderate” in the relationship etc) give a valid reason and explain fully what you think about the issue.
3. If you have something on your mind that is unrelated, resolve the first problem mentioned before moving on, otherwise it could lead to an argument.

for those who want to raise an issue:

1. Pick a right time to bring it up, preferably not in public, and when both of you aren’t hungry (most people are snappy and over-emotional when they are hungry)
2. Don’t just open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to your mind, make sure you bring it up in the least accusing way.
3. Respect their opinion, if they don’t believe that they are a selfish person, for example, listen to what they have to say, and if anything – agree to disagree
4. Try to mention problems as early as possible so it doesnt snowball into something disastrous.
5. Avoid telling anyone else before you have spoken about the problem with your partner.

 

On an end note, always aim to end the conversation with something positive. Even if you agree to disagree, this is better than going to bed with negative thoughts, especially if the talk is right before you go to sleep as this can cause insomnia, nightmares, and often cause you to wake up angry.

Wasteman #7 – The Rude One

Everyone can be a little bit rude or have a bad day, but there are some guys who are beyond the point of cute banter and are just downright pricks.

The rude wasteman usually claims to be emotionally detached and warns you not to catch feelings, or if at any time you try to bring up the subject of liking each other/getting together or whatever, he will either ignore you or change the subject or pretend he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The genius of the Rude One is that they have mastered the art of the Wordsmith and cropped down to just one word that can make himself irrestible to almost any woman. Irrelevant.

Don’t be confused by the wording – the word irrelevant is so powerful it will leave you confused and wanting more of him. Let’s say you snap under the pressure of not getting much of a response out of him and you send him a long txt/ping/KIK/whatsapp of how you feel about him and what a prick he has been… Rather than replying in retaliation or just saying OK, the rude one will ask what the hell you are going on about and when or if you take the time to explain and simplify what you want, he’ll reply that everything you just said is Irrelevant.

Its more aggravating than if he were just to reply ‘OK’ or ‘k.’ But this one word has now managed to make you yourself feel ‘irrelevant’ and it also creates an air of mystery about him. No guy can receive a long paragraph message from a girl and not have an opinion about it. Its a power play. You are confused and probably more upset than before and now you want to try harder to get a reaction out of him.

The main problem with majority of the female species is that we are hell-bent on changing a guy we like but who doesn’t necessarily treat us like we want him to. You will never be able to change a guy. If his nature is rude, he is going to continue to be rude. Most likely the more you try to change him the ruder he may get. It’s in your best  to “kick his ass to the curb”. Seriously, you’ll just end up having an emotional break down & crying underneath a table *cough cough*…

How To Spot Him

All it takes is the magic word.. He may start out with cute banter, but as soon as he says the word Irrelevant (a few times, give him a chance), alarm bells should be ringing.

This type of guy is not for those sweet and innocent girls out there. Its not that a rude guy is incapable of loving, it may just be that he’s not really that into you. To be honest, if a guy really likes you, he should go out his way to make you feel special. There is no such thing as a person making you feel like shit by accident, multiple times. If you think you can handle a rude guy, don’t get too emotionally attached too soon. If you stick through it you don’t have to worry about other girls wanting him or him cheating. He may be testing you to see if you’ll stick around later.

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Wasteman #5 – The ‘Realist’

‘I’m just being real’ has recently become one of my most loathed statements to be uttered by the human species. What does it mean? Some people claim it is being honest with yourself even in a situation that would be awkward but as of recently it seems that being ‘real’ is used almost as an excuse for people to NOT do what they are supposed to do.

So why is a realist a wasteman? Some people might not understand what I’m talking about right now so let me give a hypothetical example. Say you were related to someone famous or well established and you are interested in their field of work. Say your cousin was a well established psychologist and you had an opportunity to ask them to help you on a research paper or be part of one of their studies however you decide against this with the reasoning that you are being humble & ‘real’. You’re not being real with yourself, in fact you are being one of the greatest waste of space on the planet.

Being real doesn’t mean you have to stay broke. If anything by refusing to better yourself in life you are being unreal. Perhaps you are trying to stick to a particular stereotype that you feel has been put on your shoulders, or maybe you think that if you leave your area or financial situation that you share with a few of your peers they will pass judgement on you. If this is the case then that’s all the more reason to get up & do something.

Sometimes assuming that being real gets you hated is a false pretence. Its either that the people you were associating yourself with never really supported you & your philosophies or the things you do under the cover of being real are so amazingly stupid that you just people off.

How To Spot Him

if he refuses to step out of the box and do something useful with his life, you probably have a ‘realist’. In case you haven’t noticed I am using the term realist in a sarcastic manner. The qualities of a ‘realist’ are very similar to those of the Ambitionless.

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Wasteman #4 – The One Who Refuses to Give You a Title

If there’s anything worse than a guy who forever makes you empty promises then the guy that refuses to give you title is definitely on the same level of wasteman-ism.

Whether this guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship from the beginning or tells you half way through the courtship he’s not ready for a relationship the two situations are equally as aggravating.

If a guy is treating you like his girl or he is expecting you to do things a girlfriend should do but he hasn’t made it official between you two – its very unlikely that he will eventually give you that title.

From experience & what other girls have told me, I’ve noticed a pattern. Its usually if you are a girl he’s dating just after he has come out of a long term relationship. You may not necessarily be a rebound like, but after a bad breakup a guy is usually reluctant to jump back on the monogamy wagon. Especially if he was with his ex for a few years. Don’t be offended – it takes a lot to jump back on that train & if he’s not ready you should give him time. If he isn’t being very responsive and seems distant he probably still misses his ex and there’s a good chance you could be a rebound like.

However if he swears he is offer his ex and he is taking you out on dates, wining & dining you, speaking to you everyday. Good morning & good night texts or phonecalls & he starts making demands like asking you too cook him food, massages, borrow money… Don’t be the stupid girl that gives him all the privileges a man receives from a girlfriend and not demand a title. He can use the wordsmith in him & make you feel like you should do these things. Here’s a few excuses he might throw around

– its just a title, its about what he have babe
– I’m scared of commitment
– I just got out of a bad relationship
– I thought you were okay with what we had
– I don’t want to ruin our friendship

For anyone reading this & nodding in agreement with the first bullet point let me explain the importance of The Title to a female. I agree that the relationship isn’t about the title of being girlfriend and boyfriend or husband and wife. Its about how you interact with eachother and naturally the best relationships are those born out of friendship. However a relationship is all about give and take. A woman needs to be respected and giving her a title is a way of showing that you respect her. Unless you have already agreed that you want to be friends with benefits and don’t want to put a label on the thing you have going on, so be it. But if you are taking a girl out, sleeping with her & expecting her to cater to your needs its only fair you show her the respect she deserves.

Let me give you an example from my own life. There’s was a guy I was seeing for the first half of last year and through the summer before I started university. I had been seeing him for a while and at one point he was the only person I went to go and see. I lost contact with most of my friends and acquaintances (though out of personal choice) & when people used to see us together all the time they naturally assumed we were in a relationship. It was so embarrassing when people used to ask me, is that your man, & I would reply no. It is humiliating to give all your time and effort to one person and treat them like they are your man when he hasn’t made it official. Even his friends thought we were a couple. & after 4 months when I asked him if we were – he replied he wasn’t ready to give me such a title. Having waited and waited it began to bother me that he was treating me like I was exclusively his and vice versa. He even met my mother & rest of my family. Finally when it was time for me to move to the other side of the country he became Mr. Why are you leaving me. I wasn’t going to wait around and hope for something that may never happen and jeopardise my own happiness and path in life.

How To Spot Him

I think from reading as much as you have so far you should have a good clue of what the characteristics of this type of man are. He is an opportunist that would rather keep you monogamous to him but not make it official. That way if he sleeps with another girl you have no right to cuss him out and slash his tyres.

Being with a man like this can be difficult. he leaves with no ground to stand on and may cause you to become insecure about yourself. Soon enough you’ll find yourself question “what’s wrong with me” as if its your fault he thinks he’s a clever so & so. If you don’t care about a title (& I will say, I thought I didn’t at first but after a while it does start to gnaw at you) then this is the man for you. He won’t necessarily treat you wrong but he can always up & leave with no strings attached any time he likes.

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Wasteman #3 – The Wordsmith

he wordsmith is one of the most cunning type of wasteman & one that can make YOU feel as if you are in the wrong. Although most men are all talk & no walk this wasteman has perfected the art of sculpting words with his mouth & telling a female what he thinks she wants to hear.

A key element of what it takes to be a player: a wordsmith will make you feel like you are the one & only, if there’s ever a problem in the relationship, will make you feel as if you are the one that caused the problem, & his worst crime to the females species is that he will forever deliver you empty promises. He will always find an excuse if he promised to take you out or buy you something. The most aggravating trait is that if you notice this about him and you call him out about it, he will play innocent & worst of all you have no evidence for his snakey ways because after all, he’s all talk.

How To Spot Him

Look out for someone who makes outrageous statements that make your heart melt very early on in the courtship. It’s alright if it’s every now & then but if it happens almost every conversation or everytime you meet there’s a good chance he’s a wordsmith. Also, if he seems to share your opinion on everything but never backs up his claims or dwells deeper than generic ideas about the topic at hand. A key trait of a wordsmith is that he knows a little of everything but very rarely deep knowledge about another thing.

A wordsmith is a pain to be with because he will never be able to physically or materially give you what you want. Call it shallow but even for a girl who isn’t very high maintenance this can become very irritating. It would be alright if he never offered, but the thing about the wordsmith is that he will OFFER you the whole world on a diamond pleated platter served exactly the way you like it but will never deliver. They are one of the most selfish type of people & will not only use their charm & charisma with the ladies but in every walk of life. At work he will most likely be in a role of high status, attained through very little secretion of sweat and blood, & will usually be in a role of delegation. However he is not limited to this. He could also be a local bartender or work at Schuh.

A snakey man deserves a snakey female, so if you feel like you are equally as selfish or feel like you are independent enough to not take his empty promises to heart then he could just be right for you

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.