Communication is key

Communication is key

You’ve probably heard a million times that the key to a successful relationship is communication, and seriously, it is.
But the problem that most people have is that they either (1) Don’t know what communication is or (2) They can’t do the damn thing properly.

I also want to stress that communication between you and partner is the only communication you should be engaging in when it comes to expressing your feelings/problems you are having with your partner. More time (& mostly girls) you will be telling your friends everything that is happening. It gets to the point where it is you, your partner, and all your friends in the relationship. When you tell your friends the problem you are having with your partner there will always be a bias in your favour. So if your partner did something wrong and you tell your friends, you’re more likely to hear negative advice an feedback, which will then linger in your mind. Also, once youve said it once, you’re less likely to want to repeat yourself, especially if its a very complex problem to explain, so you end up never telling your partner and this is the worst thing you can do.

So with that being said, let me first explain what communication IS.

communication: noun, (from Latin “communis”, meaning to share) is the activity of conveying information through the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information…

Like I’ve already mention, if you have any problems with the relationship, this should only be discussed between you and your partner. One problem a lot of people have is not being able to say what is on their mind properly. This can be either because they havent thought about the problem enough to break it down, OR, they are scared they will sound stupid. There comes a point in your life when you just have to get over it and say what the fuck is on your mind.

With that being said, communication is a two way street. You cant be the only one spilling your heart out and the other person is non-responsive or doesnt know what to say in response. You shouldnt force someone to talk to you, BUT sometimes it is necessary. The biggest reason a partner may be unresponsive is they don’t understand how serious the issue is. Especially with one sided problems, a partner may be unaware of your grievances and may therefore not acknowledge the fact that what you are trying to tell them is more serious than they think. Lay everything out on the table. In a worst case scenario you may even get emotional and start crying… But if you do, don’t shrug off the issue, try to calm down and still say what needs to be said, or it will never get sorted out.

The best sort of communication is done face to face, so, now you have a better idea of what communication is, I can go into explaining how to do it properly.

As I mentioned earlier, communication is  two way street. Even if a problem has only been affecting one person in the relationship, leave room for the unaffected partner to share a piece of their mind. If you are on the receiving end of hearing a problem, no matter how trivial it may seem, treat it with seriousness. In most cases, small pet peeves can snowball into massive arguments in the future, so its best to solve the problem as soon as possible. Additionally, someones problem may be very abstract and hard to explain, and in order to explain, may think of past scenarios – to you it may sound stupid, but still treat it like a serious issue. Theres nothing worse than building up the courage to tell someone how you really feel about them, especially if it has a negative connotation, and then for your opinion to be shrugged off as irrelevant or insignificant. There is that magic word again (Irrelevant – read more about that here).

so, for those on the receiving end:

1. Treat any problems that are brought up as highly serious, and always assume there is more to it than mentioned.
2. If you really are uninterested or disagree with something (i.e., you dont believe you’re being “inconsiderate” in the relationship etc) give a valid reason and explain fully what you think about the issue.
3. If you have something on your mind that is unrelated, resolve the first problem mentioned before moving on, otherwise it could lead to an argument.

for those who want to raise an issue:

1. Pick a right time to bring it up, preferably not in public, and when both of you aren’t hungry (most people are snappy and over-emotional when they are hungry)
2. Don’t just open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to your mind, make sure you bring it up in the least accusing way.
3. Respect their opinion, if they don’t believe that they are a selfish person, for example, listen to what they have to say, and if anything – agree to disagree
4. Try to mention problems as early as possible so it doesnt snowball into something disastrous.
5. Avoid telling anyone else before you have spoken about the problem with your partner.

 

On an end note, always aim to end the conversation with something positive. Even if you agree to disagree, this is better than going to bed with negative thoughts, especially if the talk is right before you go to sleep as this can cause insomnia, nightmares, and often cause you to wake up angry.

Advertisements

The Lighty Curse

The Lighty Curse

Being mixed-race isnt as glamorous as some make it or perceive it to be.
Yes, there are advantages, but in my eyes, the disadvantages outweigh them…

ADVANTAGES

1. Best of both worlds

One of the best advantages in my eyes is the benefit of growing up with more than 2 cultures. Im half German & half Nigerian – I grew up in Germany, & then when i moved away at 7, I was immersed in the Nigerian culture. Its great to be able to relate to more than one culture, it makes you feel like you belong, which is usually a huge problem..

2. Male/Female Attention

I don’t really agree with this, but it clearly is one of the “advantages” – Light-skinned people are universally seen as more attractive.. In London, “Lighty’s/Brownin’s, Mixed-race girls” often catch a lot of male attention, & even more so for males, mixed race boys are often more desired, & even if some arent sexually attracted to them, they cant deny that they dont think they are attractive..

this pisses me off in a way .. Just because you are LIGHTSKINNED doesnt instantly make you beautiful. Ive seen A LOT of beautiful dark girls, but they never get the attention they deserve.

DISADVANTAGES

1. Problems fitting in

You can never truly belong in a group, even in a group of mixed-race people, because you can still come from different cultures. I had a lot of problems with this in the past. Not so much now, because ive learnt to become more independent, & in a way, I have always been quite independent, but even this isnt always a good thing. Sometimes, you just want to have ONE group that you fully belong to, rather then 7 where you sort of belong but you are never properly accepted. This problem is magnified for mixed-race people because of the multi-culture background, in some cases, they will find a group where they belong, but then another group that has different views they may also belong to, & as soon as you start spending some time with that group, the problem begins, because now you dont FULLY belong to a group anymore.

2. Peoples preconceived attitude towards you

People seem to have a preconceived idea about what mixed-race people are like, they main one being that we are “Stush/stuck up”… One bad apple in the basket spoils the rest.. There are mixed-race girls that think they’re TOO good for anyone. Walking around with their heads held high. We are not all like this.

Another thing people associate with mixed-race people is that we are promiscuous… Again, this is not true.. There are promiscuous people, but its not like the majority of them are mixed-race. In my opinion, i think its extremely difficult for “pretty people” to NOT be promiscuous.. For 2 reasons. Firstly, if you do get a lot of attention, some people who have low self-esteem will take whatever comes their way for approval.. & you can debate this, but its true in some cases. Secondly, if you do have a lot of attention, there may be some people that get through to you, make you believe they really like you, when really they’re only after one thing, & once trust is established … the rest is history.. Now once again, this isnt ALL mixed-race people, but, the bad apple spoils the rest of the basket. & yes true, some people may just like sex.

3. Black & Mixed-race are the same thing in employers eyes

This may not be as true in this day & age, but ive noticed since moving to Kent where the majority of the population are Caucasian – job prospects aren’t as good. Employers are supposed to give everyone an equal opportunity by law,however, i dont feel this is upheld as much as it should be. For example, my friend, who is black went into a shop & asked if there were any vacancies in early September. The lady she spoke to said no, they had already hired everyone – fair enough.. She then asked if there were any vacancies for Christmas, & the lady replied saying, no they have already hired… In September? She was blatantly lying. So, the next day, she asked her flatmate, who is white to ask, & miraculously, there were now vacancies… Similarly, I’ve been job hunting since I started uni & havent found anything. I even applied for McDonalds again -I worked there for a year & have excellent references. I got a call from the manager & he said I should come in to sort out the paper work since Ive worked there before. I went there & he asked me where I could work, & if I could work in the kitchen. The position I applied for was a cleaner for the dining area. I told him I can work anywhere expect for the kitchen because I hadn’t been trained. He then said – well, I dont like to hire people that have worked here before because it means they quit because they didnt like the job. I told him I quit because i was coming to uni.. He just kept chatting his nonsense & said unless I get an amazing reference from my old store, its unlikely Ill get a job. The next day I got that generic rejection e-mail. Now, the moral of this story is that, it doesnt matter if you’re light-skinned or not, employers see it all the same way..

Words of Advice: Hair

Words of Advice: Hair

The words of my uncle:

OK, here goes, I’m just putting out there what a whole of people are quietly saying, but want to say out loud. LADIES, enough with the hair already! We men like a good looking woman but you must understand that it takes a little more than hair to attract our attention. The more is not the merrier! I give women their props for getting their hair done RIGHT! But going to the gas station and buying that cheap stuff and just throwing it on your head ain’t cutting it. I understand some can’t afford it, cut it short or go natural then. So what I’m getting at is, people are laughing at you. Especially them old ladies that come outside with their wigs on sideways. Most of you are beautiful just the way you are. Tone it down a bit, most men prefer the natural look anyway. Men will tell you a lie to achieve their goals. By the way, everybody is not a hair dresser or stylist.OK Men! What is your reason for wearing your hair in dreadlocks? Do you really know? I doubt it, probably because everybody else is doing it. There are many reasons among various cultures for wearing locks. Locks can be an expression of deep religious or spiritual convictions, a manifestation of ethnic pride, a political statement, or be simply a fashion preference. In response to the derogatory history of the term dreadlocks, alternative names for the style include locks and African Locks. So I asked this one guy, and he said it was cool. So I asked him what was cool about poor hygiene. Not washing his nasty hair. NO ANSWER! Same reason you sag your damn pants. Not really knowing the origin of where it all started.So don’t get me wrong people, I’m simply stating what people are talking about to me. People have the right to dress and look like they please. Just as I have the right to give my opinion about it. That’s what makes us who we are. Carry on!