Communication is key

Communication is key

You’ve probably heard a million times that the key to a successful relationship is communication, and seriously, it is.
But the problem that most people have is that they either (1) Don’t know what communication is or (2) They can’t do the damn thing properly.

I also want to stress that communication between you and partner is the only communication you should be engaging in when it comes to expressing your feelings/problems you are having with your partner. More time (& mostly girls) you will be telling your friends everything that is happening. It gets to the point where it is you, your partner, and all your friends in the relationship. When you tell your friends the problem you are having with your partner there will always be a bias in your favour. So if your partner did something wrong and you tell your friends, you’re more likely to hear negative advice an feedback, which will then linger in your mind. Also, once youve said it once, you’re less likely to want to repeat yourself, especially if its a very complex problem to explain, so you end up never telling your partner and this is the worst thing you can do.

So with that being said, let me first explain what communication IS.

communication: noun, (from Latin “communis”, meaning to share) is the activity of conveying information through the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information…

Like I’ve already mention, if you have any problems with the relationship, this should only be discussed between you and your partner. One problem a lot of people have is not being able to say what is on their mind properly. This can be either because they havent thought about the problem enough to break it down, OR, they are scared they will sound stupid. There comes a point in your life when you just have to get over it and say what the fuck is on your mind.

With that being said, communication is a two way street. You cant be the only one spilling your heart out and the other person is non-responsive or doesnt know what to say in response. You shouldnt force someone to talk to you, BUT sometimes it is necessary. The biggest reason a partner may be unresponsive is they don’t understand how serious the issue is. Especially with one sided problems, a partner may be unaware of your grievances and may therefore not acknowledge the fact that what you are trying to tell them is more serious than they think. Lay everything out on the table. In a worst case scenario you may even get emotional and start crying… But if you do, don’t shrug off the issue, try to calm down and still say what needs to be said, or it will never get sorted out.

The best sort of communication is done face to face, so, now you have a better idea of what communication is, I can go into explaining how to do it properly.

As I mentioned earlier, communication is  two way street. Even if a problem has only been affecting one person in the relationship, leave room for the unaffected partner to share a piece of their mind. If you are on the receiving end of hearing a problem, no matter how trivial it may seem, treat it with seriousness. In most cases, small pet peeves can snowball into massive arguments in the future, so its best to solve the problem as soon as possible. Additionally, someones problem may be very abstract and hard to explain, and in order to explain, may think of past scenarios – to you it may sound stupid, but still treat it like a serious issue. Theres nothing worse than building up the courage to tell someone how you really feel about them, especially if it has a negative connotation, and then for your opinion to be shrugged off as irrelevant or insignificant. There is that magic word again (Irrelevant – read more about that here).

so, for those on the receiving end:

1. Treat any problems that are brought up as highly serious, and always assume there is more to it than mentioned.
2. If you really are uninterested or disagree with something (i.e., you dont believe you’re being “inconsiderate” in the relationship etc) give a valid reason and explain fully what you think about the issue.
3. If you have something on your mind that is unrelated, resolve the first problem mentioned before moving on, otherwise it could lead to an argument.

for those who want to raise an issue:

1. Pick a right time to bring it up, preferably not in public, and when both of you aren’t hungry (most people are snappy and over-emotional when they are hungry)
2. Don’t just open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to your mind, make sure you bring it up in the least accusing way.
3. Respect their opinion, if they don’t believe that they are a selfish person, for example, listen to what they have to say, and if anything – agree to disagree
4. Try to mention problems as early as possible so it doesnt snowball into something disastrous.
5. Avoid telling anyone else before you have spoken about the problem with your partner.

 

On an end note, always aim to end the conversation with something positive. Even if you agree to disagree, this is better than going to bed with negative thoughts, especially if the talk is right before you go to sleep as this can cause insomnia, nightmares, and often cause you to wake up angry.

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Wasteman #6 – The Hotel User

Ladies, whatever you do – whether you’ve just met a guy or you’ve known him for a few years… If he insists on going to a hotel, for whatever reason, don’t go. Unless he is your man and there is a special occasion, you have no reason to be going to a hotel with a guy unless you want the following to happen. Here’s how the night will pan out.

Even if you are down to do the only thing there is to do in a hotel room with a member of the opposite sex, the night wont go how you expect. You may be thinking you’re in for a night of love and passion. Multiple rounds and orgasms, falling asleep and waking up again to sleepy kisses and cuddles. No. First of all, you’re lucky if he pays. If he tells you to book and he will give you the money on the day – it’s very unlikely that he will. If you have a guy that likes to splash cash he might pay for 2 nights so you don’t have to check out my midday – the same thing is still going to happen. When you arrive, TV turns on, spooning ensues, and before you know it, you’re forking.

WARNING**** a guy that insists on going to a hotel rather than going to his house, regardless of whether he lives by himself, with flatmates or his ‘rents, there is a very high chance that he will be one or both of these things about to mention. 1. An abomination as a penis. 2. Doesn’t last very long.

He may try to will try to fork you without a jimmy (condom) and try to front like he didn’t expect the current situation to happen. “Let me check if I have some” if you dont have any, will probably the words to leave his mouth. Believe me he does. Unless he’s a bigger wasteman and claims he is allergic to latex.. Even if he is, there are alternatives available on the market. Once that is sorted out, unless you dont like condoms either, you’ll be lucky to get 2 rounds out of him, then his phone will conveniently ring and one of his boys will be in some sort of trouble. He will leave – and please believe me, he is not coming back. Make sure you have money for food or eat before hand, or better yet, got him to buy something. You’re lucky if you get hold of him on the phone, if he hasn’t blocked your number. He will promise he’ll be back in an hour – but you will wait, and he won’t come back. Chances are you wont have been fully satisfied -so now you’re in a hotel room, one your ones, horny, and most likely pissed off, confused or frustrated.

How To Spot Him

If you’ve just met him and he offers to pay for a hotel but on the day or asks you to pay for it and he will pay you back, theres a good chance he will be a hotel user. This also applies if you’ve known him for a long time.

Always make sure you’re safe and you know where the hotel is, and how to get home if you do decide to go. Make sure you know how you get home and have money for bus, taxi or train. Guys usually use this plan if they know they can’t really satisfy a woman – he will get his own and leave once you’ve clocked what happens. Just when you think its about to get good…

Go to the 50 Shades of Wastemen page for more posts.

Short hair don’t care, Long hair don’t care… Please, stfu.

Short hair don’t care, Long hair don’t care… Please, stfu.

All this bickering and palava over something that grows out of the top of your noggin. Short hair, long hair – but no one ever considers that awkward phase of having medium length hair. Short hair styles can be very nice, but once your edgy hair starts to grow out of its uber stylish cut you are in a very awkward position.. Grow your hair out (a very long winded process) or cut it again.

The problem with short hair is that although it can suit everyone, its a matter of finding a style that suits you and your personality, face shape etcetera etcetera. It also takes a lot of confidence in yourself to rock a short hair style or even medium length hair. Females seem to think that the length of your hair defines your sexuality and/or femininity/masculinity – it doesn’t.

So, what is the point of this post? Really and truly its for everyone, but its for those people who are in that awkward phase of having a hair length that you’re not used to or don’t like. I know particularly in the black community hair growth seems to be a major issue, but really an truly, its not that black/afro hair doesn’t grow as fast, its because of the texture it grows out in makes it seem shorter and you’ve not been protecting your ends so they break this can make your hair seem like it hasn’t grown as much. You could have grown an inch but lost half an inch on your ends and with the shrinkage as well, it can be very disheartening. Length retention is the key. But let me not get sidetracked.

The most awkward thing about styling medium length hair is that usually its too short to do certain hairstyles and too long for others. Rather than looking for someone else to follow and copy be your own inspiration, play around with your hair and come up with your own styles. Be a trend setter. What’s growing out of your head isn’t the same as what’s growing out of Sarah, Chantelle or Victorias head.

On another note, guys with long hair. Guys don’t have the issue of short vs. medium vs. long, once it starts to grow past your ears, that s*** is long. Personally I think guys with long hair, whether their black, white, asian, hispanic, oriental, whatever, are hot. But then again its all about preference. If you’re a guy with long hair don’t be discouraged if a girl turns you down because your hair is long – it just means she wasn’t the one for you. Find what suits you and the right girl for YOU will come.

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You’re Fat so You’re Ugly.

You’re Fat so You’re Ugly.
girlwithcurves.tumblr.com

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Lords works are wonderful & if you didn’t know that, now you do. But seriously, pretty doesnt equal skinny. Neither does skinny mean healthy.. It seems to be that people are obsessed with image more than ever, with the internet bombarding us with so many images – it is difficult to be confident in yourself these days.

Let me make one thing clear, the word “fat” seems to have been associated with being a derogatory term. On the contrary, it is just a descriptive word. So throughout this post, do not take it as derogatory, but fat is fat is fat. I’m not a sugar coater.

Although the term big boned seems to be an excuse for fat people to be the way they are, it does seem to hold some truth. Take my mother for example, she has always been quite chubby since she was little. To this day, she has always been size 16+ (UK Size) and has never been skinny EVER. I remember she tried everything under the sun to lose the weight, which included a point in my life where I remember being carted to different gyms in Germany, staying in the daycare section while my mum spend hours at a time, doing classes and using all the different machines you could think of. She’s tried every diet under the sun but if she did lose the weight, she would always put it back on when she stopped.

This is the problem – diets don’t work for this simple reason. You alter your diet and what you’re used to eating your body is no longer getting, when you go on a diet, yes you can lose weight, but as soon as your happy with how much weight you’ve lost, you go back to your old food habits and the weight just piles back on again. You can count calories until your face turns blue but it is not a long term solution.

Another problem with diets is that you usually don’t enjoy them. You’re restricting the foods you like and this is just going to put you in a bad mood. If you’re going to diet successfully, its going to have to be something that you’re happy with doing for the rest of your life. Not in a weight loss fashion, but after you’ve lost the weight, you cant go back to what you’re used to eating.

I also have a bone to pick with calories. Calories don’t equal fat, calories are energy. Calories are like your fuel for the day and having too little of them can give you bad mood swings and less energy than you’re used to. If your body is used to eating 3000-4000 calories a day and you suddenly switch to having  just over 1000 calories a day this can be very dangerous. If you want to lose weight, focus on the fat content of your food rather than the calories.

People have been conditioned to count calories and rather than doing us good, we are starving our bodies of energy and weakening brain functioning, making us easier to manipulate. Its a dangerous cycle. You’re going to spend less time thinking about your actions because you’re brain doesn’t have enough energy and you’re going to passively absorb what you see. All those hours harmlessly scrolling down on Tumblr can be very damaging for your self-esteem. Do you see it?

But enough about that, this is what I want to get at. Some people are naturally big – if its how God intended it to be, let it be. Think about is like the natural hair thing. If you’re naturally slim, work with it. If you’re naturally fat, work with it. There are so many blogs popping up for how to dress to your body shape.

I understand that there is a problem of obesity nowadays. Fair enough, exercise and lose an extra baggage that is clearly not meant to be there, but don’t aim to be a size 8 if you’ve always been a size 14+. The message that you can be healthy at any weight is not said enough, but seriously, work with what you have. I can go into details about how we’ve been brainwashed into thinking thin equals healthy and how they try to use evolution to back it up, but I will be hear all day and frankly, I don’t have time.

rant over.

p.s, this is what aggravated me & inspired me to write this post.

The issue of weight isnt as black and white as if you’re fat lose it. Weight is harder to lose the older you get, your body also tries to stay the same weight it was at 18. Some people were literally born big.. Not fat but still bigger than average. I know many people who are fat who are attempting to lose the weight but there are challenges, i.e., stretch marks & horrendous diets that usually dont work.. Just saying.. And also, just because someone is fat doesnt mean they are dirty. and another thing.. A relative of mine ballooned from a size 8 to 18 when she was put on some medication in the hospital. I dont see her often so when I saw her as big as she was I was so shocked.. She cant lose the weight because of her medication so what is she supposed to do. Stop taking her medicine & risk dying just so she can lose weight to please society, then put all the weight back on again when she starts taking her medication again… Cha. I disagree with everything Logan & Poet are saying

The Friend Zone

The Friend Zone
friend zone

what is the friend zone?

one definition of the friend zone is:
a state of unrequited love where in a friendship, one of the “friends” wants more than friendship, but the other person does not. They may or may not be aware of the other friend wanting more from the current relationship. The act of being “friend-zoned” is to be in the position of the friend who wants to advance the relationship.

Contrary to popular belief – females can be friend-zoned too. It’s a very frustrating ordeal…

how did you end up in the friend zone/how to know if you are in the friendzone?

To be fair, I don’t know how females end up in the friend zone. I’ll make an educated guess & say that a girl may be friend zoned if the guy suspects she’s going to friend zone him, or if the guy happens to be very good looking & already has a lot of girls chasing him, he may friend zone a few of them that he finds are actually cool to chill with etc etc. Another reason that comes to mind is the idea of the chase. If you are constantly speaking to a guy first or arranging to see him, you take away from the chase. If a guy feels he doesn’t have to fight for your attention he may see you as “easy” & quickly lose interest.

With guys on the other hand, it’s a lot easier to explain. We’re all familiar with the good guy vs. bad guy concept. Females like a bad boy… Nice guys finish last, all that nonsense. There are two main types of males. Alpha males, who are assertive and “more attractive” to females, and then there are the Beta males. Beta males are less assertive and tend to have qualities that women require from a long-term relationship. So why are they being friend-zoned?? Because of their lack of assertiveness. They spend all their time waiting for the “right time” to make a move while all the time trying to get to know the woman. After some time, the woman may see him as a great friend and person she can confide him, & since he has taken so long to make a move, she may just assume he isn’t looking for that kind of thing.

These are the most blatant signs that you are in the friend zone. When a woman starts asking you for relationship advice or telling you any of her sexual business. She asks you to go bra shopping. She brushes off any attempts to talk in a flirtatious way, or she is flirty, she will always apologise for it. She will also avoid talking about sex… with you. 

When a girl is friend-zoned, it is a bit harder to tell. But, the way I see it, if a guy is into you, he will make effort. If you are constantly having to talk to him first, there’s a good chance you’re in the friend zone. If you are constantly having to make excuses for him not speaking to you. If he always seems busy. Your hinting to get together falls on deaf ears, there is a good chance you are in the friend zone.

how to get out of the friend zone

A word of warning. Attempting to get out of the friend zone would mean having to play games. If you don’t like to play games, it would be better to just move on and try to find someone else.
The best method to get out of the friend zone is as follows:

Step 1: Make yourself unavailable
if you spend a lot of time talking to them, stop it. Make yourself appear busy. You don’t have to be rude or mean, just apologise politely if they ask to see you or avoid spending more than 5-10 minutes on the phone. Try not to text back straight away… Making yourself unavailable will allow you to re-build the relationship, while also making the other person more curious.

step 2. Test the waters
Try talking to other people, if this plan doesn’t work out for you, who knows, you might find someone else. Go on a few dates, or if you can’t, still try to be seen with members of the opposite sex by the friend zoner. They may not have seen you in such a way, but people always want what they can’t have. If they see you with someone else, they will see a different side of you. In a girls case, this may re-awaken the chase in the guy, & for a girl, she will see that you are capable of being intimate. If you got friend zoned because the girl thought you weren’t into her, this will make her question maybe why you didn’t try it on her.

Step 3: Re-build the relationship
The next time you speak to them, don’t let it be on friendly terms. You need to be assertive. Be more flirtatious, joke about sex. The goal here is to eventually ask them on a date. Don’t leave it up to them. Have something planned. Try to think of a few alternatives because they may not want to do something. Try to avoid the cinemas or anything where your attention will be on something else for the majority of the time. A dinner or something. I wouldn’t really recommend this step for females because I don’t believe a woman should chase a man. The trick for women is to come back on the scene as a new woman. If he is used to seeing you dressed very conservatively or my tomboy-ish, re-invent your look temporarily. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should dress more revealing, but flashing a big of flesh, accentuate your shape with pieces that compliment your body shape. Carry yourself differently. But remember, he must always be the one to ask you on a date.

from here, you should be on your way to exiting the friend zone. But remember, this only works in some situations. It may just be that the person genuinely doesn’t have any feelings like that for you, & you must weigh up the pros & cons of whether you want to risk damaging your friendship. Also remember; you cannot ignore someone who isn’t already paying attention. 

Just a final note. I don’t like playing games with people & quite frankly, I’m not very good at it. If you find that you’ve been friend-zoned, the best advice I can give you is to move on & let go.

Update

Update

my goodness, I havent sat down & written a text post/blog entry in MONTHS. I havent even been busy, I have been doing absolutely nothing. Over the Christmas holidays, days just melted into one long thing. I had no sense of what time it was as I was just in bed, sleeping, messing around on the internet & eating once a day, 2 if I remembered. I didnt feel hungry – ever.

But thats besides the point. As we all know, university is different to how it was, say, 30 – 40 years ago. A degree makes you stand out in the eyes of an employer. Nowadays, EVERYONE has a degree and a 2.1 is the equivalent of a first. We are supposed to broaden our horizons, get involved in different societies & get the most out of it as we can. So why am I half way through first year & I have done NOTHING until now? Of course, in the beginning I said “join all the societies” .. “have a different thing to do every day”, but that turned out do be quite expensive. I didnt even join the gym like I planned until now.

I recently read a few “self-help” books, yes. I know – but they opened my eyes. I didnt have too much guidance from my mother in regards to how to act like a woman and date and everything. I was always a tomboy and preferred to chill with boys in the hope that they would reveal their secret to me about what makes a woman irresistible. & although these books were written by females about men, they made sense. A man, at the end of the day, wants a WOMAN. Yes, playing video games or being into football may be bonus, but they still want a female. & not a needy one either.

I realised that I come across as needy, not because I am, but because I have nothing else to do. So after being in bed today till 5pm, thinking, Ive decided to take control of my life. Not just to get a Man, but because yesterday was the most fun I ever had – & i believe this is what student life was meant to be like.

After waking up at 12pm, I did my laundry & out of the blue my flatmate asked me to come & try a spanish/salsa class workshop. I was AMAZING, I interracted with so many people I never would have thought. Afterwards I went to the gym for about 2 hours, something that I miss from my old life – & then in the evening my friends asked me to come out to a night in town. Which was really fun as well. It was cheap, I didnt have to drink to have fun and there was no drama involved.

So, this is really here for me. As a reminder of when I decided to turn my life around and actually be productive. 25th February 2012. & I hope I inspired some people to do the same.